


Freelance Warners In: Save The World!

by CarrieWrites, Hamatopurity



Series: The Warners Get Adopted By Gay Ferals; A Tale Of Manic Proportions [2]
Category: Animaniacs, Sam & Max, Sam & Max (Comics), Sam & Max (Video Games)
Genre: Cami has a gay awakening seeing Sybil, Canon Divergence, Freelance Husbands (Sam & Max), M/M, big swears are censored in universe, its a cute innocent crush don’t get any ideas, lots of violence but it’s Sam and Max, not much but yea, so nothin new, up until post-S2 at least
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-01-28
Updated: 2021-03-06
Packaged: 2021-03-13 18:08:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 6
Words: 20,501
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29032932
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CarrieWrites/pseuds/CarrieWrites, https://archiveofourown.org/users/Hamatopurity/pseuds/Hamatopurity
Summary: Three weeks after being adopted by the Freelance Police, the Warners are working Freelance Junior Police and they have a big case just waiting for them
Relationships: Dot Warner & Wakko Warner & Yakko Warner, Max & Sam & Dot Warner & Wakko Warner & Yakko Warner, Max/Sam (Sam & Max)
Series: The Warners Get Adopted By Gay Ferals; A Tale Of Manic Proportions [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2102349
Comments: 5
Kudos: 32





	1. A new case and a gay awakening

Cami flinched as a gunshot sounds, glancing warily at Sam shooting at Max, who’s balancing on a bowling ball, while having an apple on his head.

“Quit moving around so much, bobblehead!”

“I don’t think this is safe…” Cami voices, fear of what could happen wavering in her voice.

Yakko smiled “Don’t worry, Pops has a metal plate in his noggin, remember?”

“When are we gonna get another case, Sam? Surely the local lawbreakers miss our esoteric brand of personalized criminal justice.” The lagomorph said as he wobbled slightly from his spot on the bowling ball.

“Patience is a sharp razor to swallow, little buddy. Ok, don’t scream this time.”

The phone rings, Wakko looking up at the sound, Cami as well.

Yakko and Dot perked their ears up as Max hopped down from the bowling ball.

“Ah! I got it, I got it! Hello?” He went to grab the phone only for his hands to be turned up empty “Huh?”

Cami walks up to them as Sam notices a note where the phone used to be and takes it, reading it-

_ Leave swiss cheese by the rat hole or you’ll never see your precious phone alive again. _

“Jiminy Christmas Eve in a padlocked sweatbox! Some misguidedly ballsy felon’s napped our phone!”

“How? We’ve been here this whole time.” Cami says, confused.

Max gave a bewildered “Eerie-I just went cheese shopping! How did they know?” 

“Be sure it's swiss cheese, right? And be quick about it!” Jimmy Two-Teeth spat from his rat hole before walking back into it

Dot glowered at the rat hole “Well that explains it…”

“Amazing how he managed to sneak an entire phone away while we weren’t looking.” Wakko adds.

“Ordinarily I hate yielding to extortion, but I have to admit, I’m half charmed by the sheer spunk of that oily little perp, Where’d you put the cheese, Max?”

Max looked to his partner, his Cheshire smile plastered on his face as usual “Gosh, it was hours ago! You know I have the memory of a dried trout.”

If he was being honest he was probably running on autopilot when he bought all that cheese...

“Sadly, yes I do. Well, it’s gotta be somewhere in this room…” Sam sighs, glancing around the room.

Yakko took a whiff in the air “No kidding, I can smell it somewhere in here, Pops how much cheese did ya buy? Smells like you bought half the store’s cheese storage.”

Max gave a small shrug “I blanked out and impulse bought it, I think my tapeworm was driving.”

Dot raised a brow “Bob doesn’t even like dairy!”

Cami raises her nose, sniffing out the cheese, leading to the closet room door, grinning as she opens it.

“Bingo.”

The younger Warners gaped at the large pile of cheese “Holy cannoli! This cheese is enough to last us half a month!”

Max whistled “Man Bob was hungry.” Dot turned to Cami “How did we not notice the pile of cheese in here?” 

“Not sure, but the rat specifically asked for swiss…” Cami voices, Sam walking up to her, raising his gun.

“Don’t worry about that.” 

He shoots at the cheese, now giving it the appearance of swiss cheese.

“Well, that’s one way to do it.”

“Sam, no! The cheese was innocent!” Max yelped, in a feigned attempt of horror.

Yakko, jokingly playing along “Fare thee well dear cheese, we barely knew ye.” Dot tilted her head “Ya think cheese can go to heaven?”

Cami snickers at the bickering.

“Innocent? I think not.” Sam says.

“So you’re saying the cheese went to hell?” Wakko asks, Cami letting out a giggle.

Yakko picked up one of the horribly mutilated cheese corpses, placing it at the rat hole “In any case, we can get our phone back.”

“Let’s hope Jimmy can’t tell the difference between Swiss and cheddar with bullet holes in ‘em” Dot added with a nod.

Jimmy walks back out kicking the cheese back in.

“Greetings. The members of the Benevolent Brotherhood of Vermin would like to thank you for your offering.”

“The members of Sam and Max and our Freelance Junior Police would like their phone back now.” Sam says.

“If you don’t mind.” Max added, his bear trap smile seeming a bit more threatening,

Yakko put a hand on his hip “We haven't had a case in a week, so start coughing up the phone, Two-Teeth!” 

“I regret to inform you that the situation has changed, and I am unable to comply with your request. A list of additional demands for the return of the phone is as follows:”

Before the rat could name his demands, Max grabbed him, throwing him lightly onto Sam’s desk, Dot turned and shot off the lights with Yakko pointing Sam’s desk lamp at Jimmy.

“No more demands Jimmy! We’re gettin’ our phone this decade.” Yakko said in his best Sam imitation.

“Now, let’s discuss this calmly.” Sam says.

“Please…” Cami asks, knowing it’s probably not going to end that way.

Max grinned extra-wide “Let’s debone the smarmy little skeez and see if the phone’s in there!”

Dot giggled devilishly “Just get the scissors, shouldn’t take long!”

“I ain’t talkin’ coppers, Jimmy Two-Teeth ain’t no rat...er..well, I ain’t talkin’.”

“Oh trust me-” Cami chuckles. “-It’s going to hurt a lot less for you if you just tell us where the phone is.”

With his Cheshire grin unwavering, if anything it somehow was getting wider “I’m about ready to wring your scrawny, trash-eating neck!” 

Dot imitated Max’s smile “It wouldn’t be hard, it’d be like collapsing a sand castle; breaks apart easy and all your hopes and dreams go with it!”

“You think you’re scary?”

“You don’t know where his hands have been!”

Max gave a cheeky “Or the last time I washed them!”

Yakko nodded solemnly “It’s true Dad has to get the hose and lemon-scented bleach to get stains out.”

“Who cares, I’m a rat remember? Hey, dogface! Yer partner’s givin me a headache!”

“Who you calling a dogface?!” Cami exclaims, narrowing her eyes.

“Easy there, Cam.”

Turning back to the rat-

“You mentioned a headache, would you like some aspirin? And while I’m at it, is there anything else I can do to make you comfortable? Are you thirsty perhaps? Lights too bright?”

“Well, that’s sportin’ of ya. Now you mention it, I don’t really like bein’ up here so high. I got me a thing about heights, they make me nervous, you know?”

If possible, Max’s Cheshire grin grew wider “Oh really?”

The junior Freelance Police shared mischievous glances at that “Don’t like heights, eh? How’d you like it if I dangled your greasy hide out the window?” 

“He’ll do it.” Cami warns.

“Heh. You wouldn’t.”

Next moment Max held the rat by his tail outside the window Jimmy wriggled in Max’s grasp “WAIT-”

“I warn you, I’m known for my fuzzy white butterfingers.” Max said as he dangled the skeez about the street below.

“Warned ya.” Cami says.

“It’s true, you should see him trying to tie an ascot.”

“All right, all right! Have mercy!”

Max lightly swung the rat left and right, feeling particularly smug “I’ve had mercy. It was unpleasantly goey, like...well, like things that have fallen from a great height.” 

Dot spoke in a voice that would scare even the worst of mobster bosses “Act fast, Papa might decide to drop you when a car starts driving~”

“I give up! Take yer phone and lemme go!”

Cami widens her eyes and turns, biting back the want to vomit once Sam catches the phone.

“Oh for the lova-a’- I wish I could unsee that.” 

“You and me both, Dad.” Cami shudders.

The phone rings and Sam answers it.

“Hello?....Yes?....Great gouts of steaming magma on a beeline for the orphanage! We’re on our way!”

Then screaming was heard, causing Sam to turn to Max.

“Where’s the rat?”

“I let him go, who was on the phone?” Max asked as the younger Warners climbed back inside from their perch on the window sill.

Yakko adjusted his black and lavender striped bowtie “We got another case?” 

“It was the Commissioner, everyone! Multiple reports of malfeasance in the neighborhood!”

Max grinned devilishly at that “Oh boy! That’s my second favorite feasance!”

“Next to what, subfeasance?” Yakko jokingly asked.

“Idiot. We’ve got to get down to the corner store right away!”

“Lead the way, Dad!” Wakko cheers.

Max was quick to toddle closely behind his boyfriend and long time partner, Yakko paused before continuing, noticing Max’s lucky boxing glove on the window sill, he decided to grab it, it was lucky after all.

“Yakko! What’s taking you so long?” Dot’s voice called from her spot halfway down the stairs Yakko stowed away the boxing glove in his inventory “Sorry! I was grabbing something! I’m coming!”

The second eldest came running down, meeting his siblings and fathers outside the building.

The family all walk to Bosco’s Inconvenience, passing newspapers with headlines such as,  _ Your Family May Be In Danger,  _ and,  _ Nation’s Terror Level Lowered To ‘General Anxiety’ _ .

Sam walks up to the owner, Bosco, with a reassuring smile.

“Have no fear simple citizens, the Freelance Police are here to keep the peace.”

Max smiled extra-wide “Violently if possible! You called?”

The paranoid shop owner looked around wildly, well that was normal for Bosco but that’s besides the point “It’s just you guys?! Where’s the SWAT Team? Where’s the National Guard?  _ Where’s NASA?! _ ”

Max raised a brow “NASA?” Yakko and Dot looked at each other and shrugged at the Bosco-typical paranoia.

“Good to see you haven’t changed.” Cami says, mildly amused.

“Hold on Bosco, What’s the problem?” Sam asks.

“What’s the problem?! It’s a terrorist! A munchkin terrorist! He’ll be the death of us all!” The wide eyed store owner yammered on, crazed as usual.

Dot looked to her siblings with a raised brow “Should we be offended by that?”

“Well, he’s not calling US munchkin terrorists this time…though it’s still early to tell...” Cami says, shrugging.

“Where is this lilliputian agitator?” Sam asks.

“Are you blind?! He’s right there!” Bosco pointed his thumb towards the area near the bathroom where a short finger haired man dressed like a soda parlor stood.

Max felt a sneer come from his usually constant Cheshire smile “Yowzers, that is one ugly ki...heeey...I know him!”

Yakko raised a brow “You do?”

“I feel like I’ve seen him before in one of those old reruns…” Cami says.

“Oh, that’s right! It’s one of the loveable scamps from that seventies tv show about the singing soda jerks!”

The manic lagomorph gave a slight nod “The Soda Poppers!” 

Dot cringed looking at the Soda Popper “Yeesh, time has not been kind to him.”

Cami shudders. “Yeah, and I’m guessing the same would be said about his brothers. If I remember correctly from the reruns, there were three of them.”

“Isn’t he the one with the...bladder control issues?” Sam asks.

Wakko snickers.

“Yeah! Whizzer!” Max replied, a hint of a childish chuckle in his voice.

Yakko gave a rather unflattering snort sound at the name, Dot face palming at her father and brothers lack of maturity.

Wakko laughs as Cami bites back a giggle, pressing her lips together.

It is...an unflattering name.

Bosco looked as exasperated as he put in his two-cents “He’s a former child star?! Oh, just lock him and throw away the jail!” 

Dot took one look at Whizzer again and in a deadpan voice said “Yeah I’m actually with Bosco on that one.”

“I think we got it.” Sam reassures Bosco.

“Yeah, I think we can take him.” Wakko agrees.

“Okay, anything else?” The paranoid shopkeeper asked with a raised brow.

“We’d like to patronize your fine establishment, my good man.”

“By patronize you, he means we want to buy stuff from you. Not...mock you.” Max clarified “We probably  _ will _ mock you, but that’s not what he meant.”

“I know what he meant. Don’t patronize me!” Bosco barked “So, what do you wanna buy?”

“What’ve you got?” 

“Yeah, I’m curious, we never got to see what you sell here, Bosco. You’d always chase us away with that broom of yours.” Cami says, nonchalantly. 

Max side glanced at that but decided not to say anything, just this once.

“Well, I’ve still got that big sale on cheese.” The paranoid shop owner said with a few side glances.

The lagomorph brightened up at that “Ooh, yeah cheese. I want that.” 

Bosco quickly added “And...I might have another item of interest behind the counter…”

“I accept your thinly veiled invitation to ask about the item behind the counter.”

With a smile the conspiracy theorist replied “Oh it’s just a little something I like to call a Tear Gas Grenade Launcher.”

Max as well as the younger Warners lit up at that “Tear Gas Grenade Launcher?! Ooh yeah, I REALLY want that!”

Cami furrows her brows, worried. “Tear Gas Grenade Launcher?! As much as it’s a hypocrite thing to say, how were you ALLOWED to make it?”

Yakko shrugged “Since when is anything in this neighborhood 100% legal?” Dot nodded “They let us in the neighborhood, did they?”

“It’s the latest in Bosco-Tech innovation. It’ll clear out any room in no time, guaranteed.” Bosco tried to defend himself which in reality didn’t really defend any reasoning at all.

“Sweet!” Wakko grins, Cami still looking worriedly about the whole thing. 

Max practically had stars in his eyes just thinking of the threatening device “I feel really close to you right now.”

Dot had a similar expression, seemingly daydreaming about want and destruction.

“We’d like that Tear Gas Grenade Launcher,” Sam says, Cami holding back concerned and nervous whine about them purchasing it.

“That’ll be ten thousand dollars.”

The Warners as well as their adoptive fathers stared bug eyed at the clearly insane shop owner for such a price.

“Ten thousand bucks?!” Max exclaimed ludicrously “We’ll have to give out like a MILLION tickets!”

“Or one really big one…” Sam considers, the eldest Warner perking her ears at that.

Max perked up his own large and not at all floppy ears “ You mean…?”

“White collar crime drive.”

“The one crime Cami likes to do!” Wakko cheers.

Cami blushes, embarrassed. 

“...It’s really entertaining scamming entitled rich people of their money…” she sheepishly admits, rubbing her arms nervously.

Max smiled extra wide if possible “Where corporate criminals go to rejoice in their ill gotten gains!”

Yakko smiled “It has been a while, last time we went there it was for McDonald’s dinner money!” Ah, good times.

“After we blow this popsicle stand, we can go hunt us up one of those starchy cesspiles and hit him where it hurts the most: right in the pocketbook.”

The lagomorph gave a half shrug “That’s not what I thought you were gonna say, but that’s good too.”

Turning back to Bosco-

“Nothing for us right now. We’ll chat more later Bosco, but right now it’s time to get up close and personal with that pint-sized evildoer.” 

“Stop that crazy man, before he kills us all!” Bosco all but screeched 

“Yeah, we got that.” The second eldest chimera deadpanned.

The family leaves the store, heading to the Desoto, the Warner Siblings following close to their dads.

“Where we goin’ Sam?” Max says, trotting himself up to the passenger seat.

Dot went especially wide eyed “Ooh are we gonna scam some criminals?”

Sam grins, nodding.

“Let’s go cruise for lawbreakers, everyone!”

Wakko cheers as Cami grins wide, already excited.

Max pumped his hands in the air joyfully “Goody!” 

Max hopped into the seat next to Sam while the four Junior freelance police hopped into the back seat.

Sam quickly starts the car, driving into the road at reckless speed.

Cami’s heart raced, still not used to how Sam sped the Desoto, speed limit not being a thing he follows.

As Sam drove Max suddenly broke the silence “By the way, Sam, I’m not sure if I mentioned this, but I may have accidentally chewed through our brake lines.” 

“You WHAT?!” Cami yelps, panicking.

“No, I don’t think you did mention that.” Sam casually says, not bothered.

Max gave a shrug “I guess we’ll just have to slow down by violently rear-ending other motorists.”

Dot tilted her head nonchalantly “Eh, it’s just criminals on this street anyway.”

“Already planning on it, little buddy.” Sam says as they follow a purple car behind.

As they get closer to it-

“Who wants to shoot at the tail lights?” 

“Cami’s the better shot than us!” Wakko says, making the eldest blush.

“...Alright.”

Sam grins, turning to Max as he rear ends the vehicle. 

“Take the wheel, little buddy!”

Max quickly leaned over to grab the wheel “With pleasure!”

Standing up with Cami, holding onto her to steady her as she takes her personalized gun, with various Taylor Swift and Ruth Bader Ginsberg stickers on the handle.

“Easy, easy-”

Taking in a deep breath-

**_BANG!!!_ **

Cami hits the tail light perfectly in the middle, her sibs cheering for her.

“Please accept our condolences for your tail light.” Sam says, grinning proudly at her, causing her to giggle before sitting back down, putting her gun away in her inventory. 

“Great shootin’ kiddo!” Max took out a megaphone from wherever he kept his inventory “ _ THIS IS YOUR FIRST AND FINAL WARNING. PULL OVER OR DIE.” _

As they stop the car and exit it, the Warners follow their dads to the vehicle they stopped.

“Hello, we’re Freelance Police.”

With hands on his hips Max added “And you're not, ergo we call the shots around here.”

The youngest Warner gave a devilish chuckle “So don’t try anything or you’ll find out why calling me Dottie is a death sentence!”

“Why’d you stop me?”

“Your tail lights busted.”

“But you’re the ones who broke it!”

“Thank you for noticing.” Cami dramatically and sarcastically says.

Looking the perp in the eyes, Max squinted “Your point being…?”

Yakko adjusted his bowtie “Like we said, we call the shots around here, pal.”

“Hmm, what’s the fine for a broken tail light?” Sam asks, mockingly.

Max, in just as much a mocking tone “Why, isn’t it... _ ten thousand dollars? _ ” 

Dot gave a smug smile “Why, I do believe it is!”

“WHAT?! ARE YOU CRAZY?!”

Cami snickers.

Ah, the sweet tears of the rich.

“Oh, uh, one moment, allow me to confer with my legal counsel.”

As they wait patiently-

“My attorney has advised me to pay the fine. Now if you’ll excuse us, we have some accounting to do.”

Sam then takes the money handed to him.

With an extra wide grin Max gave a smug “Thanks sucker!”

With a wave Yakko gave an overly cheery “Toodle-oo!”

The family goes back to the car, driving back to their street.

As Sam parks, they all exit to go back to Bosco’s, entering the store.

Dropping the huge sack of money into the counter, probably shaking the store itself in the 

process, Max grinned “We got your tear gas money right here!”

Dot smiled similarly to Max “We got to shoot a taillight getting it!”

“Really?! All right, here you go. One Tear Gas Grenade Launcher.”

Cami blinks at the ‘weapon’ Bosco sets down.

“This is a salad shooter filled with onions,” Sam says, disappointed.

“But it works, trust me, trust me.” Bosco defended before adding “Oh, by the way, did I mention my automated defense system?” 

Yakko raised a brow “Your what-“

“No, what’s it do?” Sam asks when alarms start to blare from Whizzer running in and out of the store.

And a glove hits Sam in the head, knocking him down, causing Cami to flinch, eyes going wide.

“Dad!” Wakko yelps.

“The ten thousand just covered the cost of materials, you know.” Bosco quickly defended.

Max gave a flat and unimpressed “Oh, I’m sure.” He then went over to his boyfriend and longtime partner, helping him up.

“It’s okay everyone, I’m alright.” Sam reassures the kids, putting the ‘Grenade Launcher’ in his inventory.

“Let’s leave and look for more clues on this case, we might run into something.” the Irish Greyhound suggests.

The lagomorph grinned “Sounds like a plan to me! Less of a chance of getting a concussion outside!”

Yakko sighed as he followed his dads out along with his siblings “I’ll say…”

The Warners follow their dads to the building across their office, the building named, Sybil’s.

As they enter, they see another of the Soda Poppers, what looks to be the closet door banging.

Cami furrows her brows as the Soda Popper in question starts to greet them.

“Welcome! You look like you could use some therapy!”

“How’d he know?” Cami asks her sibs.

“Are we that obvious?” Wakko adds.

Max stepped in front of the kids, his smile in a more intimidating grin “Not from a wide-eyed circus freak like y-“ realization hit him as he recognized the Soda Popper “heeey...it’s another one of the Soda Poppers!”

The short man with alarmingly bulging eyes gave a confused look “Me?”

Sam nods. “Right, you’re, um…”

The name escapes him.

“Peepers!”

Said Soda Popper looked at the questionable policemen with confusion “I don’t know what you're talking about. My name is Sybil Pandemik. Licensed psychotherapist!”

“Excuse me for a minute, would you?” Sam asks the short man.

“Sure!”

Cami glances at the closet door, going to it to open it-

“Thank god! I’ve been locked in that closet so long I was starting to invent life stories for the mothballs!”

An Asian woman with tattoos was in it, and Cami blinks at the sight of her.

Then-

“...I think I’m gay,” she announces casually to her sibs, and Sam and Max.

Max smiles “Oh great to know! We support ya kiddo!” 

Her sibs did a collective thumbs-up as a response.

“Congrats Cam.” Sam grins, ruffling her hair as the Asian woman sighs.

“I’ve gotta sit down.”

The woman sits down in the chair by the desk, looking up to see the Soda Popper.

“Oh my god! He’s still here?! Call a cop!”

“You’re in luck, ma’am. Sam and Max, we’re Freelance Police. And our Junior Freelance Police as well.”

“Sybil Pandemik, licenced Psychotherapist, nice to know ya. Arrest that lunatic immedietly!” the woman exclaims.

“What’s the charge?” 

“Assault! Kidnapping! Identity Theft!”

“Those are good charges!” 

“And pretty serious ones too, and looks like they’re true.” Cami adds.

Max grinned “Some of my favorites! And what about mopery?”

“He locked me in the closet and he’s been pretending to be me!” Sybil proclaimed, still clearly shaken up from being locked in a closet for probably hours.

“Gadzooks! Why?” Sam asks.

“Well, these cases can be very complicated and delicate. There may be repressed feelings of inadequate transference, or latent unwarranted Hypochondriac Freudianism.”

Cami sighs wistfully.

“Do you even know what she’s saying?” Wakko asks the eldest.

“No…”

Well good to see Max wasn’t the only gay disaster in the family.

The lagomorph raised a brow at Sybil “Come again?”

“He’s a complete wack-job.” The therapist said bluntly “Although actually, now that I look closely... I think he’s been hypnotized!” 

“ _ I  _ think Cami’s hypnotized, she’s had the same, dopey expression since we’ve met you!” Wakko says, glancing at his sister.

“Are there steps we can take? Soothing music, or perhaps some sort of invasive surgery?”

“SHOCK TREATMENT! SHOCK TREATMENT!” Max all but cheered.

Sybil either decided to ignore Max’s violent response or chose not to question it, possibly both morals don’t last long in Max’s prescience.

“Typically, a hypnotic state can be revised after rendering the subject susceptible to new input.” Sybil explained.

“...Huh?” 

“Sorry, I don’t speak Psychotherapist.” Sam says.

“You’ve got to knock them unconscious to bring them out of it.” Sybil sighs, explaining it clearly.

Max then became  _ very _ excited.

“Knock ‘em unconscious! Now yer talkin!”

Yakko gave a quick glance at Cami as Dot spoke up, absolutely giddy “How hard should we hit him, anyone have any comically large wooden mallets? I left mine in the closet.”

“Here ya go sis!” Wakko says, pulling out a wooden mallet, Cami flinching at the sudden movement, startling from her intense crush on the therapist, her heart pounding in her chest and ears rapidly at the sight of the weapon...

“I can demonstrate on this guy if you’ll knock him out for me.” Sybil says, snapping Cami out of it.

Max smiled wide “Consider it done!” 

Yakko put a hand on Cami, a silent reassurance for his elder sister.

Cami lets out a shaky breath, trying to steady herself before she forced a smile for Yakko’s benefit, not wanting to worry him.

Sam then turns to Peepers, getting the ‘Grenade Launcher’.

“Oh, Sybil.”

“Yes?” the therapist answers.

“Uh, the other Sybil.” Sam clarifies.

“What is that?” the Soda Popper asks.

“Don’t worry, this won’t hurt a bit.”

Sam shoots an onion at him, making the short man cry.

Max smiled as maddening as ever “But it will make you cry!” 

“Alright, who wants the honor of knocking out Peepers?” Sam asks, turning to his family.

Cami holds herself, deciding to stay out of this one.

Yakko pulled out Max’s lucky boxing glove from his coat, holding it out with a smile “Well, I grabbed this before we left the office!”

Max hopped in place excitedly “Oohhh my beatin’ glove! Atta boy!” 

Dot looked at the glove eagerly “Oh, can I hit him? Can I? Can I?” The lagomorph smiled wide, a gentler glint than the usual manic grin as he handed it to the youngest chimera, ruffling her hair “Sure thing princess, go nuts!”

“Now Peepers, this is going to hurt us a lot more than it’s going to hurt you.”

A pause before-

“Just kidding! It’ll definitely hurt you more!”

Max grinned “Remember to get him between the eyes Pumpkin!”

Dot grinned manically, an imitation of Max’s Cheshire smile “SAY GOODNIGHT  **[CENSORED]** ER!”

_ BAM! _

The small chimera socked Peepers right in the face.

“I can see you…” Peepers groans before falling to the ground.

Cami winces. “Ooof, that’s gotta hurt.”

Dot giggled “I sure hope so!”

Sybil smiled “Nice work, you guys. Now I can try to bring him out of his hypnotic state.”

“How?” Wakko wonders.

“I’m guessing she’s about to do that,” Cami says as Sybil turns to Peepers.

“Take control of your mind!”

“I don’t think he can hear you.”

“Sure he can. He’s unconscious, not dead.”

Max gave a shrug “Minor detail.”

Sybil turned back to the unconscious Peepers “Destroy the intruder in your dreams! Regain control!”

Just then Peepers regained consciousness.

“What...hey...what am I doing here? What’s going on?”

“Sybil?”

“My name’s not Sybil! It’s Peepers.”

The therapist sighs in relief.

“Yes, it is! Are you okay? How do you feel?”

“I’ve got a bit of a headache...I had the weirdest dream…”

“And there was someone unusual in your dream, wasn’t there?”

“Yes! Brady Culture was there! He kept telling me to do stuff.”

“Aha!” Sam exclaims.

“I knew it!”

“That fiend hypnotized you to his unspeakable bidding!”

The therapist turned back towards the wide-eyed cretin “Peepers, what’s the last thing you remember?”

“I remember...checking in at Brady Culture’s Home For Famous Child Stars!”

Max shook his head thoughtfully “He has his own nuthouse?! Wow, we gotta meet this guy!”

“Where can we find this home for former child stars?” Sam asks.

“Oh, it’s very secret. No one must ever find it. Think of the scandal!”

The manic lagomorph put his hands on his hips “But we need to find it so we can stop the madness! In a manner of speaking.”

“I want to help, but I just can’t remember where it is...” Peepers claimed, still quite clueless.

“Oh…”

“Well, that’s disappointing.” Cami sighs.

“But my brothers might! They went with me! Hey, um...I didn’t do anything really embarrassing, did I?”

Max only grinned almost mockingly “Nothing a simple exorcism can’t fix.”

“OH DEAR!” The short man all but howled and with that he zipped out of the building in the blink of an eye.

Sam turns to his partner.

“Remember when you had therapy?”

“Dadoo went to therapy?” Wakko asks.

Max gave a laugh “The court will never make THAT mistake again!”

Cami lets out a chuckle at that.

“Let’s look around.” 

The lagomorph gave a nod and went about walking aimlessly as usual with his iconic bear trap of a grin.

Yakko smiled “Since we know what th’ hell is going on, maybe we can actually make some more progress.”

Dot nodded “Just gotta knock out two other guys in the midst of their existential crisis and get the location from ‘em!”

Max, currently under the table and expression unchanging “Sounds like this’ll be a rule of three’s puzzle!”

“Seems like it!” Cami agrees, Wakko nodding.

“Well, what are we waiting for? Let’s find out where this Brady Culture’s nuthouse is!” Wakko grins.

Max wriggled his way out from under the desk and hopped onto his feet “Then what’re we waitin for, let’s knock out some washed out celebrities!”


	2. Poppers Punch-Out

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Finally knowing what’s happening, the freelance police and their junior freelancers move fast to knock out some former child stars.

The Freelance Police and their juniors left Sybil’s, passing one of the Soda Poppers as they looked for things to distract said Soda Popper and knock him out.

Cami finds a can of spray paint, next to him, the short man too busy spraypainting Brady Culture’s face on the building next to Bosco’s.

“Hey, Dad? Do you think this will be useful?” she calls Sam, who walks up to her, taking it as she hands it over to him.

“A can of spray paint!” He checks it. “And it’s not even empty!”

Max looked thoughtful, he whipped his head over to the paint of Brady Culture on their building and smiled wide “Hey Sam, I got an idea.”

Yakko tilted his head “Is it violent?” Though looking at Max’s expression he could guess it probably was.

“A little, Sam ya see the paint over there?” He pointed to the image of Brady Culture on their building “Spray some doodles on it.”

Sam walks up to where the image Max was pointing to. “This could use a little improvement.”

He takes the spray paint, shaking it before pressing on the nozzle, adding various doodles to the image.

Cami giggles. “He actually looks better now.”

“Great! Now c’mon! Up t’ the office!” The lagomorph quickly dashed inside, skipping the steps with a well timed hop.

Dot was close behind, Yakko looking at Cami with a shrug before running after his volatile rabbity father.

Cami startles when the Soda Popper came to the image, groaning-

“Hey, hey, hey! You messed it up! Aw, now I’ve gotta fix it, Brain Freeze!”

“It still looks better in my opinion.” Cami voices, then following Sam and Wakko who followed after Max and her other sibs.

They entered their office, glancing around for something to knock out the Soda Popper.

Max spotted the blue bowling ball or ‘Lou’ as Sam insists on calling it “Aha!”

The lagomorph skittered right to the bowling ball, picking it up, placing it on the windowsill just above where the Soda Popper stood.

Sam holds onto so they had a better chance of knocking out the Soda Popper properly.

“Can you believe we get paid for this?”

Max sniffled whisfully “ _ *sniff*  _ I love this country.”

With an extra wide smile Max smacked the bowling ball from the perch, it cascaded down right on Spec’s bulbous cranium.

“You made me mess up…” was the groggy reply before Specs fell to the ground unconscious.

“Ouch…” Cami winces.

“That’s gonna leave quite a concussion.” Wakko agrees.

“Well, we’ve admired our handiwork long enough.” Sam says, glancing at the Soda Popper on the ground.

Max turned back to the sight “Maybe just one more second.”

After a beat the rabbity thing turned back to his partner “Okay let’s go.”

With that he hopped down from his perch, going towards the door with the young junior freelancers close behind.

Sam follows close with their kids, going to the unconscious Specs.

He clears his throat. “Uh…’Take control of your mind!’”

Max tilted his head “Is it working?”

Yakko scratched his head “He looks kinda dead.”

“I don’t know. Destroy the intruder in your dreams!”

“I HOPE he’s not dead.” Cami voices, worried.

Making a motion with his arms Max piped up “Snap out of it ya big baby!”

The Soda Popper awoke, getting up groggily “wh-what’s going on? Why is my outfit all wrinkled?”

“He’s back!”

“Quick! Act like a chicken!” The lagomorph screeched cheerfully.

The youngest junior freelancer hopped and down “OH! DO A FUNNY DANCE DO A FUNNY DANCE!”

“No, tell us where we can find Brady Culture’s Home for Former Child Stars! We’ve got to stop that fiend from hypnotizing anyone else!”

“The home?” the Soda Popper asks questioningly.

“Yeah, remember where it is?” Cami asks, crossing her arms.

“It’s at 227...something. Whizzer would remember the street, he always does the driving.”

“Can you take us there?” Sam asks.

“Are you kidding?! I’ve got hours, HOURS, of ironing to do!” Specs exclaims, zipping out.

Max gave a rather dry “Well, that was helpful.” 

Yakko shrugged “Well at least we got only one other Soda Popper to knock out.”

The family all walk back to Bosco’s, the paranoid owner greeting them when they enter.

“Hello.”

Sam goes to the cheese, picking it up.

“Well, it is on special…”

“And we are running dangerously low…” Max added in a joking, yet casual tone.

Cami was looking around the store, furrowing her brows at the sight of the Bathroom Terror Level meter above the bathroom door.

“Public bathrooms. Unholy temples to all things unsanitary. I wouldn’t go in there for all the tea in tealandia.” Sam shudders, walking up to his eldest daughter.

Max trudged right up to it with a manic grin “I’ll do it!” He hopped up to reach the knob, opening it and toddled right in.

Dot looked at Sam “If papa doesn’t come out do I get to keep his lucky sacrificial knife?”

“I’m sure he’ll be fine.”   
  


The meter turns to the yellow  _ LOTS OF TERROR _ , the sound of a flushing toilet being heard.

As Max trudged back out with a grin, Whizzer trembled before dashing to the bathroom before the door could even close behind Max.

“Looks like you opened his floodgates.” Sam voices.

With hands on his hips, Max quipped back “I hope he enjoys it as much as I did!” 

Sam then goes to Peeper’s box, placing the cheese in it.

“If you really love someone, give them the gift of cheese.”

With a rather devious look Max chuckled wickedly “Ooh, I just can’t wait to see the look on his face when he gets it!”

The door of the bathroom as Whizzer zipped by, grabbing the box that now contained the cheese. 

The Soda Popper attempts to leave but the security alarms go off.

“What the-”

And then a boxing glove punches him.

“Time out for Number #1…”

“We’re saved!” Bosco exclaims, relieved.

“That’s a whole lot more entertaining when it’s not happening to me.”   
  
“it’s pretty entertaining either way!” The lagomorph chuckled with a mile wide grin.   
  
“Uh, are you just gonna leave him there?” Bosco voiced when the freelancers didn’t make a move to cuff the perp at any point.

“Uhhh…”

Sam walks up to Whizzer.

“Take control of your mind! Destroy the intruder in your dreams!”

Whizzer slowly got up, Max looking at Sam with a smile “Nicely done,Sam! You’re a natural!”

The soda popper groggily muttered “Wh-Where am I? Who are you?”

“Don’t worry, we’re Freelance Police.”

“Police! Oh, no!”

Whizzer zips away, the sound of a vehicle moving being heard.

“He’s getting away in that truck!”

“Quick! Follow that Soda Popper!”   
  
The family of freelancers were quickly out the door and in the DeSoto, chasing after Whizzer in the truck.

“Hurry Sam, He’s getting away!” Max called, half standing in his seat.

Cami yelps at the incoming boxes, holding onto her sibs tightly.

“Careful!”

Max ducked from a box almost getting his melon sized noggin “Sam, get your gun, I’ll steer.” He turned towards the kids “And you four keep your heads down!”

Cami makes sure to help her sibs keep their heads down as Sam shot at the boxes, Max steering.

Sam got one of the tires.

“Got him!”

  
“YES!” 

Max kept the steering steady as they pulled over, walking up to a disponent Whizzer already out of the truck.

“DON'T SHOOT!” The Soda Popper shrieked.

Aside from the fact we just plugged your truck, why would you think we’d shoot you?” Sam asks.   
  


“Except for obvious sport value of course!” Max added.

“It’s just...you always see cops on the news beating up some guy just because he’s a former child Star.”   
  


“We would never dream of hurting former child stars! We just need to find the home where Brady Culture keeps them.”

“Oh! Why didn’t you say so? It’s right over there, across the street!”

“Jumping elephant fleas!”   
  


Max pointed a thumb at the building in question “How devilishly convenient!”

Yakko chuckled “Talk about luck, huh?” 

“Tell me about it.” Cami giggles.

“Thanks!” Sam grins.

The freelance family walked towards the building, it was dark now so it was best to walk carefully due to none of them believing in the concept of shoes.

“Um...does anyone know where I can find a bathroom?”

Walking up to the building, Cami shudders at the creepy music.

“Well, this place is super creepy, not sure if I was supposed to be surprised at that or not.”   
  
the family walked towards some papers Dot smiled “Looks like we found our in!”   
  
  


  
  



	3. Case closed and asses kicked

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The fiendish plot finally comes to a close, but is it really.

Sam walks towards the admission forms, looking them over.

“Hm, it says here they only treat patients with Artificial Personality Disorder.”

Max peeked over to look where his boyfriend was reading “Sounds tasty. What’s in it?”

“Apparently it’s common in former child stars. Symptoms include, let’s see...obsession with money...violent reactions to dentistry...and an unconscious desire to marry one’s mother!”

“Huh.” Cami says.

“That’s odd.” Wakko says, the eldest nodding in agreement.

The lagomorph gave a rather oblivious nod “Forsooth!” 

Looking at his rabbity father with a raised brow, Yakko was positive Max didn’t even know what the word meant.

Hell he didn’t and he was the history nerd of the family.

“You don’t even know what that means, do you?” Sam asks.

With a chuckle in his voice Max smiled “No, but it sounds all classically literate.”

Dot gave a small giggle at her smaller dad’s response.

Cami snorts as well, shaking her head.

“Well in any case, better head back to Sybil’s, maybe she can help us out with this form!”

Cami grins a little too giddy at that, her ears perking up.

Max gave his eldest a playful pat on her back “Easy there, tiger.”

The younger Warners held back a snorting giggle at that as they walked back towards the DeSoto.

Cami blushes as she follows her sibs to the Desoto, the family getting in the car, Sam driving back to their street.

As they parked near their office, they all walked towards Sybil’s, Sam handing the therapist the form.

“Do you think I might have Artificial Personality Disorder?” the Irish Greyhound asks.

Sybil looked at the form, pondering “Hm, interesting…”

Max smiled slightly more than usual “That’s one word for it!”

“Symptoms include, let’s see…obsession with money...violent reactions to dentistry...and an unconscious desire to marry one’s mother.”

“Hey I know! I could psychoanalyze you!” 

“Will this be painful?” Sam asks, nervous, causing Cami to widen her eyes at the question, not even considering what they might have to do to get through the process.

“Only if we do it right.” The psychoanalyst began explaining “There are a couple of things we can try; we can look at ink blots, we could try some free association, I could interpret your dreams for you…”

Cami goes and sits on the couch while Sam and Sybil continue with the psychoanalysis, Wakko sitting with her and leaning against, yawning tiredly.

“Tired?”

The youngest Warner brother nods, rubbing his eyes.

It was dark out…

“Here, get some rest, and I’ll wake you when he’s done.”

Wakko nods again, flopping onto Cami’s lap, and purring softly as Cami gently rubs his fur.

Yakko sat next to Cami, Max and Dot meanwhile were poking around every which way, curious as a black cat on Friday 13th.

The seconds eldest crossed his leg, his arms on the back of the couch as he turned to his elder sister. 

“So. You’re gay huh.”

Cami sighs.

“Yeah...I am.” she says, turning to her brother.

He smiled “Good, I was gettin’ tired of waiting for ya to come out, surprised it took ya this long, Cam.”

Cami widens her eyes, shocked.

“Wait...you knew?! How long?!”

With a chuckle Yakko smirked “Oh pretty much since you were surprised Dad and Pops were dating, plus you’ve been watching She-Ra a lot, it was kinda obvious.”

Max peeked out from under the couch “We’ve been placing bets! I win a free hug!”

“Placed bets...wait...what did you guys bet on?” Cami asks, curious.

Dot revealed herself from under the couch with a smile rivaling the lagomorph next to her “We bet you wouldn’t realize for a month, Papa bet less than four weeks!”

“It was only a matter of time, really, it was especially obvious when you started listening to Taylor Swift.” Yakko added.

“...Huh.”

Honestly, why didn’t she notice it sooner?

Max slipped out from under the couch fully, his iconic and marketable smile on his face “Aw, don’t feel too bad, at your age I was a pretty big disaster myself, just ask Sam, after my confession at prom, he realized how obvious I was bein’ around him.”

Cami snorts, before leaning in to give Max a hug-

And subconsciously nuzzling into him at the comfort and how safe she felt.

She should hug him more often.

“Thanks, Max.”

Max felt about ready to cry, this being the first time Cami showed father-daughter affection to him, he quickly hopped up and returned the hug “Anytime kiddo.”

Cami’s tail gently thumps up and down, if she wasn’t sitting down it’d be wagging.

She’ll admit, it’s taken her a bit more time to warm up to Max than with Sam-

She still hasn’t called him dad yet…

But she’s getting there, little by little.

“Wow!” Sybil’s voice caused the lagomorph and the junior freelancers to turn around “it must be Artificial Personality Disorder! You’ve got all the signs! I bet I could get a paper on this!”

“Best ship me off to some sort of home for former child stars, then.”

“I’ve signed this admission form, but you’ll have to arrange your own transportation. I’m about to be really busy publishing the details of your case.”

Walking up next to his partner, Max spoke up “Since you're crazy, can I drive?”

“Jumping vehicular homicide, no!” Sam quickly says.

“Is Dadoo’s driving that bad?” Wakko asks, the Warners walking towards their dads.

Max waved away the thought “Nah, I’m jus’ short an’ can’t see over th’ dash” 

“Well, we should head back to the home, put a stop to Brady Culture!”

The family all rush to the car, Sam starting it and driving back to Brady Culture’s Home for Former Child Stars.

As they exited the car, Sam walked up to the form reader, feeding it the admission form.

The machine beeped and whirred, the weird toy monkey eventually glowed its eyes green, clapping the metal cymbals together.

The gate opened.

“Yes! Got it!” Yakko smiled, as he and the fellow Freelancers began walking through.

“C’mon little buddy, kids, there’s justice to be served!”

Max turned towards his partner “Can we get ice cream afterwards? Justice makes me hungry.”

Dot beamed “Oooh! Justice ice cream victory!”

Cami giggles as they walk into the Home, entering a room that clearly used to be a theater room, with beds and tvs in it.

Looking around Max couldn’t help but speak up “this reminds me of the place where Aunt Trudy lives with the medicine smell and the rubber sheets, and the enormous mute Indian.”

“I worry about that side of th’ family sometimes.” Yakko voiced.

“Gotta say, I do too.” Cami agrees, furrowing her brows in worry.

“Sounds like a million laughs.” Sam says.

Max nodded “Yeah, mostly after medication time. Where is everybody?”

Suddenly whirring was heard, the sizable family looked to the stage as strange and quite frankly badly played organ music began.

“Pulchritude above doubts, this is Culture’s cluuuubhouse…”

“Jumping Lon Chaney in a boffo fright wig! Brady Culture I presume.” Sam says, baring his teeth.

Standing up, Culture spoke “You know who I am? Wow, evil plans really do work!”

With a scowl, Max bared his own intimidating row of teeth “Don’t get too excited, stretch pants. The Freelance Police and their Juniors are here.”

With a smile that was a little too creepy for any of their liking, Culture smugly replied “Yes, actually, I’ve been waiting for you!”

Cami growls lowly, her fur bristling.

“Really? Next time try leaving the front door open. Save us all some grief.”

“Allow me to explain.” Culture says, clearing his throat.

“Uh oh, I think we just triggered a Soliloquy…”

“Good thing I have the attention span of a pint of yak butter.” Max replied as he scratched an itch.

“I never wanted much.” The delusional celebrity washout began “just to be universally loved, that’s all. And to be number one in the TV ratings for the 1971 fall season. But noooo. Those worthless hacks, the Soda Poppers, with their matching shirts and their cute little jingles-”

“Cute isn’t the word I’d use…” Yakko muttered.

“They came on opposite me and stole my audience! I was never offered another role! And now you six vigilantes won’t even let a poor, down-on-his-luck actor mass-hypnotize the entire viewing public to become his worshipful fans forever. How cruel.” Culture droned on.

Max turned over from looking at a smelly candle “Is it over?”

“I think so.” Sam says before-

“So-”

“Whoops.”

“Since you’ve ruined the beautiful irony of having my arch rivals run my promotional campaign, I’m afraid you’ll just have to take their places.”

Cami widens her eyes, quickly pulling her sibs close and letting out vicious hiss at Culture.

Max quickly stepped in front of Sam and the kids with a growl in his throat “In your dreams, Culture.”

“No, my friends. In  _ yours. _ ” The washout out on strange green glasses, a green flash going off.

Max however only shook his head, mentally thanking the metal plate in his head, the junior Freelancers looking more confused at the ineffective beam.

“Hey, that tickles!” The lagomorph said before turning towards his longtime canine companion who appeared dazed.

“Ah nuts.”

“Dad!”

“Become...Video Deliveryman…”

The lagomorph held his hands out protectively with the Warners behind him “Sam! Dammit I knew we shoulda grabbed a tinfoil hat on th’ way here!”

_______________________________________

The door of Bosco’s ringed as the dazed, six foot dog stepped through with a crate full of video tapes.

“What...What’s happening?”

“Oh no. OH! NO! WHAT’RE YOU DOING?!” the paranoid owner panics.

“I don’t know, I…”

Bosco all but screeches like a frightened grandmother “YOU WERE IN ON IT ALL ALONG!! I told you it was a conspiracy! I told you, but you already know, didn’t you!”

The Irish Greyhound shakes his head. 

“No Bosco, I...must...deliver...videos.”

The paranoid shopkeeper screamed “CALL THE CIA! CALL INTERPOL! CALL  _ MICKEY ROONEY _ !”

“Must...deliver… Mickey Rooney?? ...videos.” Sam says in a monotone voice, sounding confused at the Mickey Rooney.

“AHHH!”

Sam continues to dazily deliver videos, going to walk out of the store when he grabbed onto the cheese on special.

“Oh don’t even try it!” Suddenly there was an alarm and lights blinked red as a large boxing glove descended from the ceiling and whacked the canine on his noggin.

“I love that part.”

_______________________________________

In Sam’s mind, he entered the office, all which held various versions of Brady Culture.

“Uh oh. Either I just walked into the Salvador Dali Memorial Wax Museum, or I’m dreaming!”

The closet door opened to a cheese Brady Culture “You love me, you adore me!”

The television chanted “Become...video delivery man!”

A Max with Brady’s head spoke “Do my evil bidding and so forth!”

As the Brady-light cackled, Sam-

“Holy brains in a blender, I’m still hypnotized! If only I could remember what Sybil told me to do.”

_ Destroy the intruder in your dream! _

“Oh yeah!”

“Hey Sam! I’m up here!”

Towards the ceiling floated a Max head.

“Oh, hi little buddy!”

“Brady stole my body! I hate when people do that! You gotta get me down from here!” The Max head called out.

“Okay, little guy, I’ll save you!”

Turning to the light switch-

“I think someone needs to turn the lights out on your career, Brady.”

The Brady-light startles. “W-Wait what?! NOOOO-”

And Sam shuts it off.

“Oh that Brady Culture, he turns the world off with his smile.”

Walking to the tv, he eyes the coat hanger makeshift antenna.

“Wonder what would happen to the picture quality if I give this a tug…”

“NO, I MUST BE ON TV FOR ALL ETERNITY!” The TV-Culture screeched.

The TV-Culture yells as Sam takes out the coat hanger.

“Oh, yes. That’s much better reception.”

Sam opens the closet door to reveal the Cheese-Culture, walking away as it monologues.

“I  _ will  _ be number one in the ratings, now. And thanks to cable, for all eternity!” 

By the closet was an air pump and a rat standing by it.

“What is this thing?”

As he pumped air into it, the rat grew bigger.

“Sweet, rodent, eating disorders, that is one fat rat.”

The rat lost air but Sam-

“Hey, Brady Cheese.”

“What is it fool?”

“I’d like to introduce you to a ‘little’ friend of mine.”

He pumped air into the rat again, making it larger.

The rat was quick to run to the Cheese-Culture the door closing behind as the cheese man screamed in unending agony.

“And another one bites the cheese.”

Walking under the Max head, Sam shoots at the one way sign.

“WHEE!” 

The Max head fell towards and into Sam’s arms as the room quite literally flipped on its head, the Max head going into Sam’s inventory.

Sam walks up to the Culture head in Max’s body.

“Oh Mr. Culture, I have a surprise for you…”

“Really? For meee?”

Sam holds out the Max head.

The Max head chomped down on the head of Brady Culture up until it was gone with a horrible scream of death and agony.

“Oh my…”

The now complete hallucinatory Max coughed and hacked from the ‘meal’.

“Thanks Sam! A little stringy, but good! Oh, I just remembered I’m supposed to be somewhere…” with that said, the lagomorph disappeared.

“Bye Max!”

_______________________________________

Sam comes to with a groan, getting up.

Bosco screeched “OH NO! HE’S AWAKE! WE’RE DONE FOR!”

“Save the girlish histrionics, Bosco, I’m all right.”

“Hmm…”

“I was merely the victim of your garden-variety video delivery hypnosis scheme.”

With a raised brow, Bosco asked “Okay...but what about your co-conspirators?”

“My co-conspira-... Holy underpants draped to the mast of a sinking pork rind freighter! That hirsute egomaniac kidnapped my little buddy and our kids!”

Sam ran out of the store all the way to Sybil’s, rushing to the therapist.

“Doc! I’ve got to find some way to block a hypnotic ray! I don’t suppose you, as a brain specialist, of sorts, would know anything?”

The psychotherapist gave a warry stare “Er…” she looked away, finding her couch more interesting as she avoided Sam’s gaze.

“Great suffering lab rats! You do know something! Out with it before my synapses fuse into a milky puddle of slag!”

With a sigh, Sybil replied “Well...it’s a gross breach of doctor-patient privilege for me to even tell you about it” she explained, “But...one of my more technologically inclined patients drew me a diaphragm of a contraption he claimed would block hypnosis.”

“That’s just the sort of ridiculously lucky break I need.”

Sybil looked a bit hesitant “It’s a huge violation of every reasonable code of ethical conduct, of course. But you being a policeman of sorts...I suppose it’s ok to give you the diagram”

Reaching from under her desk, Sybil pulled out the diagram, it was rather crudely drawn showing a colander and a makeshift antenna attached to it.

Hm. My lack of a solid engineering background has finally caught up with me! I can’t make any sense of this!”

With a sympathetic look Sybil voiced “I’d love to help, but engineering is one of the few fields I  _ haven’t  _ tried. Sorry.”

Sam rushes to the office, going to the tv and pulling the makeshift antenna.

“Max isn’t gonna like it when he finds out I ruined our reception...I’ve got to tell him as soon as possible!”

Leaving the office, he rushes to Bosco’s, handing the diagram.

“Bosco, take a gander at this.”

The delusional shopkeeper looked at it with a raised brow “What is it, a death threat?”

“Even better. It’s instructions for the latest in Bosco-Tech Innovation.”

Bosco looked at the diagram “Hmm...let’s see...a colander for that...yeah...yeah I can build this! Just need one thing.”

“What’s that?”

“Something for that antenna thing at the top.”

“Antenna, got it…” the Irish Greyhound pulls the hanger from his inventory. “Will a make-do antenna do as a make-do antenna?”

“Yeah...okay! Let me just add a little Bosco-Tech innovation…” the shopkeeper screwed on the coat hanger to the colander.

“...And here it is. The most sophisticated hypnosis-blocking helmet the world has ever seen!”

“Happy days are here again! Uh ohhh, it seems the old moolah gauge is running on empty.”

Waving it off, Bosco replied “Ah, take it. Just stop that Brady Culture! He’s got it in for me!”

“You’re a credit to dementia, Bosco.”

“You’ll have to pay for the next one though.”

Sam rushes out of the store to the Desoto.

“I’m coming guys!”

Quickly getting in, he drove all the way back to the home.

As he went to go in, he placed on the hat.

“Rule number 3, always wear protective headgear when confronting diabolical villains with hypnotic devices.”

Walking into the home and rushing to the room where he last saw Brady Culture, Max and the Warners were currently tied up, various bite marks on Culture’s arms and hands.

“Hand over the lagomorph and chimeras, Culture!”

“SAM!” The rabbity thing struggled in the tight, thick ropes as a chorused “DAD!” Was heard.

“Boy, am I glad to see you! Johann Sebastian here only knows how to play one song.” Max smiled wide, joy under his usual casual tone.

The washout celebrity droned “What’s this, a rerun? Didn’t we just see the dog getting hypnotized episode?” He scoffed “Well, if you really wanna watch it again…”

Culture put the hypnosis glasses on, that same green light flashing, only this time it bounced off Sam’s helmet over his hat, rendering the glasses virtually useless.

“WHA?”

“Another triumph for skanky ingenuity and ordinary kitchenware! Give it up, Culture, your quiche is cooked.”m

As if on cue, the Soda Poppers zipped into the room.

“Time out for the cavalry!”

“You’ve colored outside the lines of the law, Brady Culture!”

“We see you, and this time we’re-“

Culture quickly interrupted “-Going to get hypnotized again! AH HA HA! I’m sure you all remember the commands I taught you, so now, my foolish pawns...ATTACK THE DOG!”

“Ow!” Sam exclaims as the Soda Poppers attacked him but it appeared the brothers were now hitting each other.

Sam then gets an idea.

“Become...Brady Culture!”

The Poppers imitated the celebrity washout with bad evil laughter “Do my evil bidding!”

“Worship...the video tapes!”

Culture angrily growled “What nonsense, attack...the dog!”

As the Soda Poppers attacked Sam again, he jumps back as they started hitting each other.

“Worship...me!”

The Poppers stopped attacking and proceeded to repeatedly bow down, Culture got angry, jumping up and down like a child throwing a tantrum.

“NO! ME! WORSHIP ME! YOUR MY MINIONS, MINE!”

As the Poppers bowed down to Culture, Sam grins as-

“Attack...me!”

“No, me! Attack me! ME ME ME! Yes!”

And then Culture realizes his mistake after the Poppers went after him.

“Oops, what? I mean, un, wait-”

The hypnotized former child stars pummeled Culture, Max and the junior Freelancers smiled at the sight.

“Great thinking, dad!” Yakko cheered as the Poppers beat Brady Culture to death.

“Thanks kiddo.” Sam grins as he frees Max and their kids.

Max grinned wide “Smart move, Sam! You played him like a two-dollar glockenspiel!”

Dot smiled wide watching the Poppers beat up Culture “Not bad for our first case in a while.”

“Yeah!” Wakko grins.

“I learned all my best tactics in the first grade,” Sam says to Max before- “By the way, Max, did you bite Culture? Looked like he got some serious bite marks on his arms and hands.”

Max chuckled “Nah, not this time-“ Dot put an arm around Cami as she interrupted her rabbity father “IT WAS CAMI!!!”

Max smiled extra wide “I’m so proud.”

“....He touched Yakko and all I saw was red, I get really protective, they know that…” Cami mutters, sheepish and embarrassed.

Max ruffed up her hair with a chuckle in his voice “An’ that’s why I’m proud!”

Yakko looked at the dropped glasses “Y’know it’s lucky we ate so much tin foil before ya found us, guess we never fully digested it!”

“I tried to send you semaphore signals with my ears! But you know how I always get the K and V mixed up.” Max commented, gesturing with his hands.

“You crack me up, little buddy.” Sam says before turning to the dazed Soda Poppers.

“Well, I guess we should de-hypnotize these poor saps again and be on our way.”

The lagomorph pulled out the lucky boxing glove with an extra wide grin “Let me! You know how I love gratuitous violence.”

Without so much as a response, Max was quick to casually walk towards the dazed Poppers, bonking them all in the head, knocking them out.

Cami flinched and winced at the sight, Sam turning to the green glasses on the floor and stepping on it, smashing it to bits.

“Well, that’s that, Max. Another boot to the pasty ass of crime. Thank goodness this whole hypnotic mind control thing didn’t go any further - that could’ve been really annoying!” 

Unbeknownst to the family, a tv in the room switched on as they left, a dazed man, speaking almost robotically.

“It’s great to be on your show, Myra. I’m a huge fan!  _ I just can’t seem to stop watching for some reason…” _


	4. Why Does This Feel Familiar

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Just after their first big case, another one is already underway, this time at W.A.R.P. Studios

It was another day at the office, and currently, Sam and Max were in a standoff of sorts, Max with his gun and Sam with the Tear Gas Grenade Launcher (which really was an onion in a salad shooter), their kids watching.

Cami tried not to be, as this was slowly being the norm since being adopted by the Freelance Police, but she couldn’t help to worry about the OBVIOUS difference in their choices of weapons.

Before either could properly draw their weapons, the phone began to ring, quickly snapping the lagomorph and canine from their would-be standoff “Wh- I GOT IT!”

The rabbity thing made a go for the phone.

Sam quickly shot an onion at the lagomorph, causing Cami to wrinkle her nose and wince at the passing scent of it.

“AAA!” Max screeched before the onion caused his eyes to involuntarily water with a cry “I...got it…” he gave a few chuckles to himself.

Why he somehow liked getting hit with the Tear Gas Grenade Launcher, the younger Freelancers will never understand.

Sam went to pick up the phone, answering it. 

“Hello?...Yes?...Yeees?...Sweet mother of double jeopardy backstroking in butterscotch! We’re on our way!”

  
  


After wiping the onion juice from his eyes, Max put his hands on his hips with a raised brow “Who was it? The Girl Scouts’ lawyers again?”

“That was the Commissioner! You’ll never guess which unduly famous TV Personality made the most wanted criminals list this week.”

“Phyllis Diller? Gavin Macleod?” He gasped “WINK MARTINDALE?!”

Yakko inquired “Taylor Swift?”

Cami gasps, offended by the mere suggestion. “Don’t you even DARE suggest such a thing!”

The second eldest chuckled “Hey, I’m just saying!” He crossed his arms with a smile “Besides, you find my taste in celebrity crushes weird! I distinctly remember you laughing when I told you about my tastes with Rob Paulson and William Shakespeare!”

“SHAKESPEARE’S DEAD YAKKO! THAT’S AUTOMATICALLY WEIRD! AND AS FOR ROB PAULSON, HE’S AN OLD MAN THAT MAINLY VA’S IN CARTOONS! YA DON’T EVEN SEE HIM IN THE STUFF HE’S IN!”

“BUT HIS _VOICE!!!”_ Yakko wailed in Theater Gay, Max snickering, tempted to voice his own celebrity crushes but for once thinking better of it. For once.

“YOU DON’T SEE ME BEING GAY AS SHIT FOR AIMEE CARRERO OR GREY DELISE!” Cami exclaims.

“GUYS! Can you fight about this some other time? Who’s the celebrity we’re after Dad?” Wakko exclaims, asking Sam.

“All close: Myra Stump, The darling Hawk of Daytime Talk.” 

Max tilted his head with a raised brow “Myra?! As in ‘America’s Mom’?! The woman who told Tom Hanks to get a haircut?! Surely you jest.”

“She’s holding her audience hostage and giving them valuable gifts against their collective will!”

“Ya think she could get me a girlfriend?” Cami jokes.

Yakko deadpanned “Sis, you’ve only been gay for two days, chill a bit before tryin’ to hook up, will ya.”

“I don’t normally endorse the use of the word ‘dastardly’ but this is _clearly_ dastardly!” He ponders for a second “I think.”

“We’ve got to drive to the station right away, or at our earliest convenience!”

The rabbity thing smiled wide “Great! I’ve been itching to bust some skulls since they cancelled ‘My So-Called Life’.”

The partners and their kids leave the office to head for Boscos, the first newspaper stand empty, while the other had the headline, _Secret Cub Scout Arsenal Discovered._

They walk in the store, not prepared for what would be Bosco’s disguise.

“What ho! Samuel! Maximillion! And thine kin!”

The Junior Freelancers could only stare, Dot squinting incredulously “What in God’s green Earth…”

“...Is Bosco on drugs?” Wakko whispers.

“What the…?”

“Oh, you’re probably wondering how I know your names!”

“Not really.” Max gave a rather dry response as the freelancers stared at the clearly insane shop owner.

The man then whispered as if there was ever anyone else in the store “Psst, it’s me, Bosco.”

Dot turned to Sam “Should we arrest him for clearly being on crack?”

“Tempting. What’s with the slanted soup strainer, Bosco?” Sam asks.

“Bosco?” He scoffed “I know not that moniker. I am Lord Reginald Rumplebottom Earl Of Dukedom. The Third.”

Slowly turning to his boyfriend and longtime partner, Max asked “Sam, what _language_ is he speaking?”

“I’m not sure Max, but I think it might be...English!”

Max gave almost frightened gasp before turning back to the batshit insane man in front of them.

“No really, what made you convert to British?”

The man put his hands on his hips “Everybody’s got it in for me, that’s why!”

“Yeah, we heard.” Max and Dot said in unison with a dry tone of voice.

“I had to get a disguise to throw ‘em off the trail! Oh, they’ll never find me now!” Bosco explained with a confident smile. Likely misplaced if the authors know this game well enough.

It is.

“They wouldn’t even know where to begin to look.” Sam adds.

“Clever clogs!”

“What sick forces of evil are bedeviling you this time?”

The paranoid shopkeeper replied frantically “It’s the skinbodies, man! They’re after me!”

Max tilted his head “Skinbodies? Sounds like a pack of belligerent nudists.” Never mind Max himself was a nudist.

“Oh no, the skinbodies are like those horrible hairless cats, but ten times worse!” Bosco exclaims.

“Sure they’re not a hundred times worse?” Sam asks.

“Yeah! Maybe a hundred times! Maybe a million!”

“These skinbodies...what exactly are they doing to you?”

“THEY’RE STEALING MY-“ he stopped before going back to the horribly done British accent “I mean... _pinching..._ my shaving cream!”

Max squinted at the paranoid man “Of all the things of yours they could pinch, why the shaving cream?”

Yakko muttered “Why pinch anything, everything in this store is a scam.”

“So they can shave their bodies, of course!”

“Of course!”

“...Why go through all that trouble?” Cami wondered.

“Not to be rude, but why isn’t your fancy pants defense system stopping these skinbodies?”

“Well,” Bosco explained “After the whole video delivery conspiracy, I figured I better build something to keep people from bringing stuff into my store.”

Max raised a brow “So?”

Less confident than before Bosco replied “So...I needed to borrow some of the high-tech detectin’ parts from B-TADS.”

The lagomorph looked at him rather deadpan “Meaning nothing’s stopping people from taking stuff out of the store anymore.”

“Dash it all! I knew I forgot something!”

“Thanks, Bosco!”

“Pip pip! Honey nut cheerio!”

“...I know we’re not British but even I feel insulted from Bosco pretending to be British.” Cami voices as they turn away from the crazy store owner.

Yakko rubbed his temples “I pray to whatever God there is that this doesn’t become a multiple occurrence.”

Max grinned “If Bosco wears a sombrero and poncho, I am going to break both of his inflatable arms.”

“Oh, I am with you there on that Max, if that _pendejo_ even ATTEMPTS a Spanish accent I will STRANGLE him!” Cami growls.

The lagomorph patted his eldest on the back “That’s my girl! I’m gonna need to bring my old baseball bat from Elementary for when that happens.”

Yakko meanwhile walked over to the shaving cream on the table by the entrance “Hm, do we need any shaving cream?”

Sam walks up to him, looking at said shaving cream. 

“I could use a shave.”

“I’ll say.” Max says, humor in his voice “Your five o’clock shadow goes clear to your ankles.”

Dot snickered into her palms at that.

Sam reaches for the shaving cream when a shaved Two-Teeth jumped on the table.

“Paws off Pig! Dog! Pigdog! The Skinbodies rule the streets! Ehehehehe!”

“...Did Jimmy just call us ‘pigdogs’?” Yakko asked incredulously.

“BLAST! BUGGER! BLIMEY! BOLLOCKS! THE LITTLE BLIGHTER DID IT AGAIN! AFTER HIM-“ Bosco cleared his throat, making the bad Brit accent thicker “I mean, TALLY HO!”

Dot sighed into her hands “Bosco. Just shut the **[CENSORED]** up.”

“TALLY HO!”

Cami groans.

“He’s giving me a **[CENSORED]** headache.” she whines, rubbing her forehead.

“You’re telling me.” Wakko says.

The family then walks out of the store, going to the Desoto.

Max was about to hop in when the Skinbodies in their tiny car nearly drove over his floppy feet, hopped a couple feet in the air to avoid the little cretins “HEY!”

“EH HEH HEH! THE SKINBODIES CAN'T BE STOPPED!” The horribly shaven rats sneered.

“Well, guess the TV Studio is gonna need to wait a bit.” Yakko says as he jumped over the car door using his hand as support, quickly seated next to Cami.

Dot raised a brow “Is it me, or am I starting to sense a pattern with the beginning of our cases?”

“No time to think about that right now, after those rats!” Sam exclaims, getting in the car.

It didn’t take long for the Freelancers to catch up to the rats, Max pointing towards the tiny car as it came into view “There they are! Let’s get ‘em!”

Dot smiled “Can we shoot their tires?”

“You’ll never catch us! The Skinbodies can’t be stopped!”

“Course you can, just be careful, take the wheel, little buddy!”

Max chuckled devilishly “I thought you’d never ask!”

Dot giggled in a slightly malicious tone, pulling out her pink and red bedazzled glock, smiling wide enough to show her sharp teeth.

Sam stood with Dot to help keep her steady.

“It’s a good thing their bullets can’t reach us, but still, be careful of the stray bullet.”

The youngest smiled “Don’t worry, I got this, Dad.” 

She pointed her gun to the tiny car, being sure to lean forward a little due to the recoil as she shot towards the tires, though the rats proved a bit quicker than anticipated.

Max looked to the road ahead, seeing a open pothole, he smiled “Hey Dot, try an’ get to that pothole over there.”

The chimera looked, then smiled wide “Thanks papa!” She gave a few good shots before the rats, distracted, went right towards the pothole.

“The Skinbodies can’t be sto- OOF!” 

The shaving cream goes flying in the air.

Max stood on the car, quickly catching the can in mid-air “GOT IT!”

Dot laughed heartily “that was fun!”

“Great job! Now hold on tight! We’re on our way to the TV Studio!”

Sam turns a corner, driving to the TV Studio.

The DeSoto parked a bit recklessly in front of the W.A.R.P. TV Studios, the family of freelancers walking in.

It was...surprisingly empty aside from one woman that looked like she hasn’t slept since 1987.

“Well here we are, Max, kids. The TV Station with programs too old to be contemporary, too new to be retro, but consistently derivative enough to be popular: W.A.R.P.”

Max smiled wide “Television so mindless, you can’t help but watch!”

“Oddly quiet in here.”

Holding his hands together Max added “Mysteriously so!”

Yakko put a hand on his hip “I’ll say, you expect a studio to be a bit more...lively, they don’t even have a water tower!”

Dot stared at her brother with a confused squint “Why in th’ hell would they have a water tower?”

The elder only shrugged “I dunno, but somethin’ in me tells me a television studio should have one. Maybe a psychiatrist too.”

Cami glances around. “Well, as long as child labor laws don’t need to come for their asses, I really don’t care.”

The second eldest shrugged before looking at the human woman to the far side of the room “Who’s that? A stage hand?”

Dot smiled “Sounds to me like a _lead!_ ”

“Let’s ask her some questions and then find this Myra character and smack some good old fashioned sense into her.” Sam says.

Max turned to his partner “I don’t care if we smack it into her or smack it out of her, just so long as there’s smacking involved!”

“You crack me up, little buddy.”

The family walk to the woman, Sam putting his hands at his hips.

“Step aside casually attired stage hand, we’re Sam and Max: Freelance Police and their Juniors!”

“We’ve come to save some pathetic hostages from the clutches of-“ the lagomorph was quickly interrupted.

“Okay, I’m gonna stop you right there” the woman started “Number one; I’m not a ‘stage hand’. I’m the director, _the director.”_

Her tone of voice sounded like she was running off of either coffee or some form of energy drink. Possibly both.

“Coulda fooled-“ he was quickly interrupted again.

“Number two,” The apparent director said firmly “We’re no longer holding the auditions for animal cops with crippling mental disabilities and a lust for dance.”

“Oh no, we’re not actors.” Sam says.

“Maybe in another life, but definitely not in this one.” Cami adds.

“You got that right.” The woman began in her harsh and crazed tone “I don’t think I’ve ever seen worse acting in my entire life, and yes, I have seen Keanu Reeves’ performance in Toast: The Musical.”

Max clung his hands to Sam’s arm “Sam, I think my hyper-sensitive ego may need stroking.”

“Don’t look at me!”

“Next! Who’s next?” The director yells, no one showing up.

“What are you doing here anyhow?”

She looked at the freelancers credulously “What am _I_ doing here? I’m holding auditions for Midtown Cowboys, what are you doing here?”

Max gaped “‘Midtown Cowboys’? The critically-panned but publicly adored sitcom about two cattle ranchers trying to make it in midtown Manhattan?!”

“Yes, well summarized.”

“You’re hiring extras?”

“No, I’m hiring the stars! The two main characters went on “Myra!” a couple days ago and I haven’t heard from them since! I need replacements ASAP.”

Looking at his boyfriend, Max smiled wide “Sam, did you hear that? If we can pass one lousy audition, sitcom stardom will finally be ours!”

Yakko scratched his chin “Why do I feel like this is familiar…”

“Rocketing to fame for the most insubstantial of reasons...that truly is the American dream.”

“Speak for yourselves…” Cami voices, shrugging.

“We’re looking for Myra Stump, the darling hawk of-”

“Do NOT mention that name in my presence!”

Max tilted his head “Which name? Myra or Stump?”

“Either, and/or _both._ ”

“What’s your beef with Myra?”

“Let’s just say Myra and I have creative differences. I’m creative and she isn’t.”

Cami shares a concerned look with her younger sibs as the woman laughs, crazed.

“I’m sorry, what was your question?”

“You and Myra. Why the hate?”

The director put her hands on her hips indignantly “Look, Myra runs her show her way and I run every other show _my_ way. If she doesn’t want me on her set, I could care less.”

The juniors stared at the woman.

Yeesh she was a real piece of work, that one.

“...Sounds like you do care what she thinks.” Cami voices.

“You mean, you couldn’t care less. If you could care less, then like our eldest daughter says, you do care some, which doesn’t really-”

“No, I was right,” she quickly interrupted “I could care less, because I care even less about what you're saying right now.”

Max growled slightly “Hey, watch it lady!” His ears lowered a little in instinctual warning.

“Easy, knucklehead.” Sam says before turning to the crazed woman.

“We’d like to apply for that instant stardom you promised?”

The director looked at the mix-matched family with an unimpressed glare “ _you_ want to audition? Well, if there were anybody else here, I’d tell you to forget it. But...okay.”

Like a switch Max had his iconic smile back “ALL RIGHT!! What do we do?”

“I’m going to have you play a scene from Ol’ Yeller. Tell me you’ve seen it.” the director asks, exasperated.

“I’m not into horror movies.” Sam says.

She rolled her eyes “It’s the classic boy gets dog, dog gets rabies, boy shoots dog story.”

“I think Pops had rabies.” Yakko voiced before looking at Dot “...Dot might too but it’s too early to tell.”

“Max, I want you to play the boy…” the director ignored the second eldest Warner.

Said lagomorph grinned widely “YES! BOY! That’s so me!”

“And Sam...you play the dog.”

“Ohh…”

“...Is that racist?” Cami whispered to the second eldest.

Yakko shrugged “I mean maybe? I’m not sure I think that lady is mostly just crazy…”

Completely ignoring the clear gossip about her right in front of her, the director turned back to the six-foot canine “Okay Sam, ready? I need you to act like you’ve got full-blown rabies, understand?”

“What’s my motivation?”

“YOU’RE A MAD DOG! Now...SHOW ME RABID!”

“Um...grr?”

“No! DIG DEEP! You should be just...FROTHING MAD!!”

“Hmm…”

“Like this dad-”

Cami lets out a ferocious growl, baring her teeth.

“That used to get creeps to leave us alone!” Wakko says.

Dot smiled wide “That, and if people got too close she usually tried to bite their arms off.”

Yakko stared at the youngest “Dot, that was usually _you._ Once you started foaming at the mouth, I worry about you sometimes.”

“Foaming at the mouth- that’s it!”

Turning, Sam got the shaving cream, spraying some onto his face, turning-

“BRILLIANT! Now THAT’S what I call DISEASED!!”

“Thank you, thank you. First off, I’d like to thank all the little people who-”

_“Zip it.”_ The woman aggressively said with a glare.

She then turned to the lagomorph “Okay Max, you’ve just realized your dog is walking death. And you’ll have to put him down for the good of society.”

Max quirked his eyebrow, doubtful “Really?”

“Your SAD, you’re despondent, your _grief-stricken,_ now...show me the emotion!”

The rabbity thing only tilted his head “Uh, boo-hoo?” Max was never very good at getting ‘in-character’ or acting in general, if it wasn’t real he simply couldn’t get openly emotional about it.

“YOU CALL THAT EMOTION?! I’ve seen Myra show more emotion, and she ought to be declared a national botox reserve! GRIEF, I said! Give me grief!”

...Yeah, this woman was crazy.

Max jumped slightly at the scream, his large and sensitive ears flinched for a moment at the sound.

The lagomorph turned to his boyfriend and kids, silently asking for help with this clearly insane woman.

“Brace yourself, little buddy.” Sam warns before getting the grenade launcher, shooting an onion at the lagomorph.

As the onion smacked into his face, Max gave as loud a cry as he could, hoping it was convincing for the crazy woman “WAAAAAH!!!”

Though it was followed by a few chuckles to himself afterwards.

“Perfect!” The director said “Now, the fateful moment has arrived. Despite your immense grief, you must put your beloved companion out of his misery.”

Max thought of how to go about it for about half a second before pulling out his Luger, making sure to only point it at Sam’s hat that held the anti-mind control device underneath “Brace yerself Sammy!”

He released a shot right at the metallic base under the hat’s cloth.

Cami froze up at the sight of the gun pointing at Sam, the ring of the gunshot banging in her ears as Sam-

“Oof!” 

-Fell to the floor.

She takes in shuddering deep breaths, backing up slowly and quietly to make sure the Irish Greyhound and the lagomorph didn’t notice as Sam got back up-

“Idiot! What demonic force possessed you to do that?”

Yakko was quick to go to Cami’s side “Easy Cam, easy, Pops just shot the anti-mind control thing under his hat, Dad’s okay, just breath.”

Max smiled at his boyfriend, the two unaware of their eldest’s discomfort “Relax Sam, I was only aiming for yer hat, ya didn’t think I’d _actually_ shoot ya, did you?”

Cami takes in deep breaths, trying to steady herself, holding herself tight as she shook.

“...Sorry...trying to keep it in gets hard…” she whispered to her brother.

“Well no, but you could have had some tact, you might’ve scared the kids!” Sam responds to Max, both still unaware of the older Warners’ current conversation.

Yakko patted her back gently “You _know_ you shouldn’t keep this in ya know, it’s Pops and Dad, I’m they’d understand!”

Max’s smile faltered slightly, he hadn’t thought of that “Th-they know I wouldn’t actually hurt ya, right?”

“Maybe Dad would...but...Max’s whole thing is with violence I...I just don’t wanna mess things up with me overreacting to a gunshot…” Cami mumbles, rubbing her arms.

“I’m sure they do Max, but still be careful and mindful from now on, okay?” Sam says gently.

“Cam. Look at me. Max may love violence more than an arsonist loved fire, but he loves us _more._ I know you’ve been avoiding him a little, but you can’t just ignore this forever.” Yakko urged sternly.

Max took a deep breath “Alright.” He poked his head over, a worried expression on his face “Cami? Yakko? You kids alright?”

“...I know, I-” Cami startles at Max calling them but did her best to hide it as she gave her best convincing smile.

“Yeah, we’re fine!”

The lagomorph stared for a moment before deciding not to push his eldest further “C’mon! The auditions are done, don’t hang back too much!”

Yakko led Cami back towards their dads and siblings, putting on a smile for them too.

Max wasn’t the only one good at faking a smile.

Completely ignoring the conversations that happened:

“Bravo. Bravo! Such realism. Such authenticity. I was convinced you were actually shooting him. How did you do the sound effects?”

“You don’t wanna know,” Sam says.

“The search for the Midtown Cowboys is over!” The director declared “You’re hired. Head to the next door and we can begin filming immediately!”

Max glanced at Cami before looking forward again. It’s probably nothing.

Putting on his iconic Cheshire grin he turned to his partner “Let’s hurry, Sam. We only have 14 minutes and 55 seconds of fame left!”

“All right people, let’s get the stage set up. The celebrity hosts will be here any minute!... Oh right, the crew’s working on “Myra!” stupid, no-talent, fat-face!”

Choosing to ignore the crazy woman, the family walks in, Cami following behind, holding herself.

...Maybe she should eventually tell Max how she felt about the whole being violent thing…

After this case though.


	5. Sam Is This Close To Killing A Man

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Now stars of a bit sitcom, the Freelance Police and their juniors travel W.A.R.P. Studios.

The freelance police and their children enter the set, looking around.

Sam startles at the sight of the Director already behind a camera.

“Weren’t you just-”

Max turned to his partner “I think she just defied the laws of physics!”

The woman gave a bored look to the freelancers “Sorry. You’d be amazed how many times a day I have to do that. Things tend to be hectic here.”

“Doesn’t bother us a bit. Sam and Max, consummate professional actors, reporting for duty.”

“Wait, are we going to be in this show or is it just our dads?” Wakko asks.

“Yeah, Wakko brings up a good point, are we in this show?” Cami asks.

The woman groaned “I guess you can take the place of the over dramatic, troubled teens.”

Yakko looked at his siblings “Should we feel insulted? I feel insulted.”

Max glared “As long as they don’t give ya shitty scripts, should be fine.” a protective tone could just barely be heard in his usually casual tone.

“Speaking of which, could you perhaps explain the show a bit?” Sam asks.

“Okay, here’s the drill. On ‘Midtown Cowboys’, you play a pair of cattle ranchers trying to raise a herd in an apartment in Manhattan.”

Scratching his stomach Max added “My Uncle Ernie did that, except it was pigs. And not in an apartment.”

Dot stared at the lone cow and rather simplistic ‘apartment’ “For a big time sitcom, looks like a pretty small place. Do those rooms even lead to bedroom or anything?”

“Not only that, I only see one cow.” Sam adds.

“It’s a small herd. You’re struggling, ok?”

“Ok!”

Cami leans towards Dot. 

“Let’s try not to aggravate this woman, she seems unhinged.” she whispered to the youngest.

Dot stares “More unhinged than Papa?” She squinted at her sister incredulously 

Max grinned wide “Is that a challenge?”

The director ignored the conversation “Now, you’ve got this landlord, Mr. Featherly, who has a very strict no-cows policy.”

“Devilishly inconvenient!” Sam remarks.

“...Ohhhh.” Cami voices, understanding the point of the show now.

Not far behind on the uptake, Max grinned “I begin to see from whence the hilarity sprouts!”

“Yes.” The director explained “Featherly is always barging in, and you try to hide the fact that you have a cow in the apartment. Lots of sight gags, usually something gross winds up happening. Simple enough?”

Yakko groaned “God, I hate gross out humor.”

“Same, it ruins the show for me.” Cami shudders.

“Where’s the script?” Sam asks the director.

“Welll, there’s a slight hitch. The cow ate most of the script so you’re going to have to ad-lib the show.”

Max tilted his head “Ad-lib?”

The director nodded “Yes: make it up as you go. Improvise.”

“Well I guess our regular life has given us plenty of practice.” Sam says.

“Don’t worry, you’ll be working with Philo Pennyworth, who plays Featherly. He’s a brilliant actor, classically trained, globe theater and all that. Just set him up to do something funny and he’ll handle it from there.”

“Check. Anything else?”

“Actually,” she began, “Yes. We did save one line from the script. And it’s really important to work it in, because it’s the product placement that pays for the whole show. One of you will have to say the line.”

_ “Sellouts”  _ Dot muttered.

Max hopped in place “Me! Me! Pick me!”

“All right Max, your line is this: ‘Better get the serious toothpaste!’”

“I like it already.” Max grinned.

“We’re as ready as we’re ever going to be. Let’s start taping the show.”

“Ok, now remember: your landlord’s at the door, and you don’t want him to know you’ve got a cow in there. Ready? ACTION!”

A funky sound track suddenly sounded from...somewhere, a disembodied voice singing in a country accent  _ “they're probably hiding a cow” _

While Max wandered around aimlessly, Yakko noticed a cow pie on the ground “...Please tell me this isn’t actually  **[CENSORED]** ”

Cami sniffs at it and lets out a sigh of relief when her nose doesn’t pick up any unpleasant smells.

“Nah, it’s just a prop.” 

“Open up in there! I know you’re hiding a cow!” 

“That must be our good friend, Mr. Featherly.” the eldest voices.

Dot stared at the lamp “That shade looks like a chef’s hat.”

Max grinned “Maybe Featherly would like to meet the head chef then!”

Sam grins as he takes the lampshade.

“Let the be light!”

Going to the cow, he places it on it’s head to mimic a chef’s hat.

“There we go, life of the party!”

The door then swung open and there was Mr.Featherly. Who happened to be a chicken in a cheesy vest and scarf, as well as a pair of tiny glasses.

“Aha! I know you’ve got a-“ looking at the ‘disguised’ cow he looked from her to the mix-matched family “Well, well, well! Who’s your guest fellas?”

This is the French Chef we hired to satisfy our inexplicable insatiable craving for omelets and duck a l’orange.”

“An’ frogs legs!” Max grinned “I like mine extra crispy.”

Mr. Featherly chuckled “A French chef, Eh? I love French bread, and French fries! I went to gay paree one time myself, you know. It was back in my army days…”

Sam shook his head as Wakko noticed a plate on the table, taking it and then forming an idea.

“Dad, you think we could use this?” he asked, handing it to Sam.

Sam takes it, then realizing what Wakko had in mind before grinning, walking to the ‘cowpie’, dropping the plate and kicking it under.

“...Oh god, this is gonna be gross to watch.” Cami groans quietly.

Max pat her on the back “it’s okay, just look away kiddo.”

Mr. Featherly walked towards the back of the cow “Say, what’s this?” 

The poultry pulled on the cow’s tail, it let out a loud ‘moo’.

“I’m sorry, what was that you said?”

“He said, ‘Moo Goo Gai Pan’. It’s a French dish the chef has just made.”

“Oh, super! I’ll try some of that! Where’s the plate?”

As Mr. Featherly walked to the plate-

“I can’t help but feel this is all terribly wrong somehow.” Sam says.

“I agree.” Cami shudders.

“Aha!” The chicken began pecking at the plastic cow pie.

“Mm! Interesting!” Featherly hummed while Max shook his head “That’s one word for it.”

The poultry looked thoughtful “There’s a familiar flavor...fennel maybe?”

“Kentucky Bluegrass, I think.”

Cami shuddered, closing her eyes tight.

Nevermind if the cowpie was a prop, the IDEA of it just disgusted her.

Featherly pecked at the prop a few more times before speaking again “this Moo-Moo whatever stuff is really good! What’s it called in English?”

Max looked a little too smug as he had his hands on his hips, replying “Cow pie!”

“Really? That’s funny, it sounds just like-”   
  


And then Featherly does a dramatic double take for the camera.

“GWAAA!” he cries out, flapping his wings, spitting out the ‘cowpie’.

The lagomorph turned to the director in a whisper “Now?”

“Now!”

Max looked directly at the camera. He is looking right at you “better get the serious toothpaste!”

“Zoom in. And cut!”

“Phew!” Sam sighs.

“That was comic gold! The network is going to love it!”

Featherly flapped to where he was on top of the cow “Naturally!”

Max whispered to Yakko “Did...he suddenly get a British accent? Like a real one?”

“I’ll be in my dressing room refreshing my muse-don’t call me for at least an hour.” With that, the chicken left.

“Nice work, you guys. Here’s a clip, for your reel.” the director says, handing it to Sam.

“Thanks!”

“Let’s get the set back the way it was.”

Cami leans to Max, whispering;

“We’re getting paid for this, right? Not that anything we do is legal but...it’s illegal not to pay us for this.”

Max looked thoughtful for a second before “Eh, even if we are, knowing our cases, it’s not going to stay long given our history buying things from Bosco’s.”

Dot smiled “If they don’t pay us at some point, I think I will commit arson.”

Cami gives a genuine snort and laugh.

“Honestly yeah, why do we keep buying from Bosco anyway? It’s so obvious he’s scamming us.”

The lagomorph felt about ready to cry hearing her laugh, but no! He must be strong!

“Probably cause he’s the only store on our street we’re not banned from and his scams are weirdly useful for our cases.” Max smiled, hiding the fact he felt like sobbing out of pure joy from making his eldest laugh.

“Yeah you’re right...but his prices are so ridiculous though!” Cami grins, shaking her head.

“We still pay him, don’t we?” Wakko adds.

“Touche.” 

Yakko chuckled before looking to one of the doors, marked as  _ ‘Who’s Never Going To Be A Millionaire’ _

He walked towards it “Ya think Myra’s set is this way?”

“Maybe. Let’s check it out.”

The family walks through the door, looking around the set.

Sam notices a door with the mark  _ ‘Myra!’,  _ causing him to grin.

“Look guys, there’s the door to Myra’s set! Let’s get in there and liberate her literally captive audience!”

“SAM, FORGET THE HOSTAGES, THERE'S SOMEBODY FAMOUS!!!” Max shrieked, hands gripping his boyfriend’s arm “IT’S  _ HUGH BLISS!!!” _

The kids looked to see...a rather strange man in a white suit, no shoes of any kind, and wearing a rainbow tie.

The Warners stared “That looks like a straight man trying to act gay.”

“Not only that, he looks like he would commit a hate crime against us.” Cami adds.

“...Who Bliss?”

“No,  _ Hugh _ Bliss! Inventor of Prismatology? Helped millions unlock the power of their personal color spectrums?” The lagomorph sounded almost  _ offended  _ his partner didn’t know about the strange man.

“Riiight, the ‘Stage Magician’ turned ‘Happiness Guru’. Like we didn’t have enough of those already.”

“...I take back everything I said about Yakko’s celebrity crushes being weird, Max’s celebrity crush takes the cake on that.”

“PLEASE don’t call it that Cam.”

“Sorry, Dad.”

“I wanna meet him.” Max was already walking over to the weird celebrity.

Yakko hid his face behind his hat “Oh dear god.”

“FINE. But if he ‘magically’ pulls another rainbow butterfly out of OUR KIDS ears, I’m leaving.” Sam says, growling lightly.

“...Is Dad jealous?” Cami asks her sibs.

The youngest whispers “He’s a dog, he’s territorial, remember.” Quite bluntly.

“Let’s hope we don’t have to keep dad from ripping that guy’s throat out in that case.” Yakko replied, looking at their canine father who looked just about ready to bite Bliss’s head off already.

The second eldest wasn’t wrong, the Irish Wolfhound was cornering the lagomorph in an almost territorial way.

“By the looks of it, we’re gonna have to.” Cami sighs.

Approaching the celebrity, Max smiled “Hi, Hugh Bliss!”

“Hi!” He spoke in a particularly shrill voice that made the other members of the Freelance Police feel like they’re listening to a dog whistle “I’m Hugh Bliss!”

Yakko sighed heavily “Dear lord.”

“Yeah, we know.” Sam says, a low growl escaping him.

“And you are Sam and Max: Freelance Police! And their little Juniors! Oh, how delightful!”

“...I REALLY want to shoot him now.” Cami whispers to her sibs.

Dot grinned “Get in line!”

Max however gasped “How’d you know?”

Bliss smiled, cupping his hands together as he spoke “do you believe in magic? Cause I do!”

Turning to their canine father, Yakko whispered “This guy is getting creepier, can we shoot him now?”

“Not yet, we still need to question him..unfortunately.”

Turning to the creep-

“So, Hugh Bliss, what brings you to W.A.R.P.?”

“I, too, am here to meet Myra!” Bliss replied with a smile that was too wide for any of their liking.

Max dramatically gasped once again “How’d you know we came for Myra?”

The man laughed far too long than was comfortable “Don’t you see? I can read your mind!”

“As one of the resident doubting Thomas of this crime fighting family, I consider it my civic duty to say;  _ Prove it. _ ” Sam says, giving an angry huff a dog would do before they begin barking.

Crossing his arms, Bliss replied “Okay! Think of something, anything!”

Dot grinned “You won’t need mind reading where I’m about to send you.”

Cami snorts, biting back a smile as Sam thought of something.

“Six million, three hundred seventy three thousand, four hundred eleven. Point nine eight!” the creepy man says. 

Turning to his long time canine companion “Sam?”

Another angry huff from the canine before-

“Lucky guess.”

“Was it? Think of something else!”

Sam narrows his eyes as he thought of another thing-

“Pennies on the eyes of a dead mime!”

Max turned “Well?”

“I must have been silently mouthing the words.”

“Is it just me, or isn’t reading someone’s mind a huge invasion of privacy?” Cami voices, not liking this at all.

The man giggled “Think of something else!”

Yakko groaned to himself “My eyes are starting to hurt looking at him.”

Sam smirked, thinking of something that the man probably won’t-

“Hugh Bliss is a big fat charlatan!”

Cami snorts, covering her mouth to muffle her giggles.

Smirking with a hand on his hip, Max asked “Was he right?”

Dot grinned “Well I certainly would’ve called him something worse.”

“Big deal. Everyone thinks that!” Sam lets out a growl.

“Dad’s getting annoyed...I don’t blame him.” Wakko says, Cami nodding.

“None of us can, how Max is blind to it, baffles me.”

The now very much creepy celebrity giggled in his horribly shrill voice “Oh? Think of something else!”

Yakko glared “Y’know  _ I’m  _ starting to get annoyed now.”

Sam glares at the creepy celebrity-

“Enough of this ridiculous farce!”

“Stop it!” Sam growls as Hugh Bliss creepily laughed.

“Can we shoot him now?” Wakko asks.

Max excitedly waved his hands about “Do me! Do me!”

Yakko groaned “Please for the love of God word that differently.”

“Oh god Yakko, now  _ I’M  _ hearing it like THAT!” Cami groans, grossed out.

The creepy magician looks to the lagomorph, then suddenly frowns.

“Oh! Oh my! That’s unspeakably depraved!”

“Ya know, I’m not even surprised.” Cami says.

“Yeah, you got it!” Max grinned widely “Wow, you're amazing.”

“Pops, are you  _ trying  _ to make Dad jealous?” Yakko deadpanned, looking at his rabbity father.

“I feel like he is.” Wakko adds as the canine corners Max protectively and territorially.

“What’s your business with Myra?” the Irish Wolfhound asks Hugh Bliss.

“I’m to be a guest on her show, silly!” He almost sounded patronizing at this point.

Or maybe that was the territorial rage Sam was feeling, who knows.

It definitely felt like both, as not only was Sam getting pisssed off and annoyed by the celebrity, it was also the Warners.

“He’s taunting us now, I can tell.” Cami growls, baring her fangs a bit.

“Yeah, silly!” Max playfully teased, completely unaware of the tension in the room.

“Dadoo you’re not helping.”

“I’m spreading the word about my new book, “Emetics”, the handbook for multi-colored happiness! Take a copy when you leave!”

“Yeah, no thanks. I’d rather read Stephen King’s horrors for a tamer book.” Cami dead-panned.

“Can you just give us the 10 word summary instead? We’re on a pretty tight schedule.” Sam says, impatient. 

“Ten words?” Bliss feins a pondering expression “Oh my. How ‘bout ‘Prismatology is the answer! Unicorns are pretty. And rainbows too! That’s ten.”

Yakko groaned “He sounds like one of those overly fanatic Christians.”

“What’s the story on this ‘Prismatology’ flapdoodle?”

Looking too smug for Sam’s liking, Bliss replied “Prismatology is only the greatest intellectual, emotional, and spiritual revolution ever to grace this fair planet!”

Dot looked at the man unimpressed “I call bull **[CENSORED]** .”

“Sounds like a load of  **[CENSORED]** .” Cami agrees with the youngest.

“Thank goodness we have someone who can give an impartial assessment.” Sam sarcastically says, unamused.

“SHH!” The lagomorph hushed his lover “Tell us more!”

Bliss smiled...more “Join Prismatology today, and you, can experience the magic of true bliss!”

Max cocked his head to the side “That goes against everything I’ve ever hoped for, and yet now I’m strangely attracted to the notion.”

Yakko stared “And I thought Pops was incapable of being hypnotized.”

“You’re telling me, you’d think he’d be aware of the obvious creepy vibes this...celebrity gives.” Cami says, not even sure if she can call the man that, she’s never even HEARD of Hugh Bliss before today.

“Snap out of it, little buddy, we've got a case to solve!” Sam gives a jealous huff, letting out a short growl at Bliss.

“Sorry to interrupt your little joy fest.” The director suddenly interjected “But I’ve got a situation here.”

“Never fear pretty lady, Hugh Bliss is-“ the creepy man was interrupted by the director “Yeah, yeah. Anyway our gameshow host went on ‘Myra!’ Hours ago and he still hasn’t come out. Think you can til he gets back?”

“Can a butterfly fly?”

“...Is he serious right now?” Wakko asks.

“I don’t know, CAN IT?” Cami deadpans.

Sam pulls Max close to him as he lets out a low rumbling, territorial growl, glaring at Bliss.

Max looked to Sam, seemingly only now realizing how protective and territorial he was being “Sammy?”

Bliss seemed to have ignored the comments from the Freelancers, or just didn’t notice “Yes, it can! Oh, what do I do?”

“When a contestant comes to the podium, just read him a question from the card. Then when he gets it wrong, insult him and tell him to get off the stage.”

Oh, no, no. Prismatology teaches us to love everyone no matter--”

“Right, just read the cards.”

“Okay! I still love you!”

As the crazed director groaned Dot turned to her fathers “Are you seeing this  **[CENSORED]** ?”

Max was currently still being held by his currently still territorially protective boyfriend “Sam...you can let go now.”

Still growling- “I don’t trust him, at ALL.” Sam says, letting out an angry huff at the end.

Cami nods, baring her own teeth at Bliss. “Me either.”

Max stared “Are-are you  _ jealous? _ ”

_ ‘He’s only noticing that NOW?’ _ Yakko thought, bewildered at his rabbity father’s lack of perception.

Sam only growled territorially, huffing in annoyance.

“Definitely looks like he is.” Cami voices, also in awe of the lagomorph’s density.

A slow smile appeared on Max’s face, usually he found Sam’s territorial jealousy endearing, but decided to reassure his long-time furry companion rather than tease him “Aw that’s real sweet Sam, but c’mon, Hugh Bliss is cool and all, but yer the only pillar of sanity I need.”

Sam huffs again, but he seemed more calm now.

Cami shakes her head at them, finding it endearing and a bit annoying.

“Not to interrupt this, but we still have a case to do.”

Yakko nodded, pointing his thumb in the direction of the door “Twenty bucks says that door leads to Myra’s show and if I know our typical history on a case, we’re gonna need to do a fetch quest before going in.”

Max put a hand on his hip “Have you been reading the script again?” 

“Hey, the authors have short attention spans! Someone has to!” Yakko yells towards the heavens as he throws his arms in the air.

“They’re doing their best, Yakko!” the eldest exclaims.

“Okay, can we stop breaking the fourth wall and talk to Myra?” Wakko asks.

“Yeah bud, let’s go!”

The family all walk to the door, Sam opening it.

“It’s polite to knock. You do know we’re taping a show here.”

“Great day in the morning!”

Myra stood there already at the door, she looked like if cotton Candy threw up on a 90’s sitcom mom.

Turning to his partner, Max gaped “It’s Myra stump herself!” Turning back to Myra “Yourself.”

“Your eyes are looking a little spirally. Are you feeling alright?”

“Of course I am, sweetheart! By the way, when was the last time you brushed your teeth? And you should really be flossing!”

Cami arches a brow at the woman’s nagging.

“You certainly sound like your normal self, but why are you keeping everybody in there?”

  
  


The quite frankly pompous woman waggled her finger as she spoke “I’m just doing what I always do-slave and toil to be put on the best show possible. It’s just, after opening presents from well-wishers, I felt so compelled to make this show extra-special!”

Yakko groaned, Myra was vaguely reminding him of someone from one of his and his siblings previous homes, it was so stuffy and suffocating he remembered actually wishing to be kicked out at that one.

“Can we come in and see the show?” Sam asks.

“‘Can you’? Don’t you mean…” Myra waggles her finger at him.

“Oh god, don’t tell me she’s a grammar freak.” Cami groans.

“Mind your manners, young lady.” 

“Bite me.” the eldest growled, baring her teeth at her, the dislike for the celebrity growing.

Sam sighs. “MAY we come in and see the show?”

Max kept his trap shut but gestured for Cami to get behind him as he let his teeth bare a bit more than usual.

“That’s much better! No.” The woman put her hands on her hips “We’re at full capacity. The only people getting in now are famous people who are appearing on the show.”

Cami wordlessly moves behind Max as Sam-

“Can- MAY we appear as guests on your show?”

Putting on a wide smile “I excel at talking about myself!”

Glaring at the mix-matched family, Myra raised a brow “Are you famous?”

“Perhaps, in an internet petition or ‘there ought to be a law’ kind of way…”

“Not good enough. I’ll need evidence of your explosive star power.”

“I blew up a public restroom last week.” Max said, looking a bit too smug at recalling said incident.

With a snooty tone of voice, Myra replied “I want to see a copy of your recording contract, for one thing.”

“Well, what if we-”

“RECORDING. CONTRACT! And a clip from your hit TV Show, you’re not anybody these days if you don’t act and sing.”

“Countless music artists and actors/actresses say otherwise.” Cami says, glaring at the woman.

“How does anybody like her? She reminds me of that old woman from that home we purposely got kicked out of.” Wakko says.

Max turned his head so fast you could swear you heard a bone pop, he looked surprised but decided to file this under the family conversations for later. He worried about these kids sometimes.

“I will also naturally need evidence of the latest juicy scandal you’ve been involved in.” Myra says, seemingly ignoring Wakko’s comment entirely.

“We have to be scandalized?” Sam asks, furrowing his brows.

“Of course! What kind of a show do you think this is?”

“A public humiliation show?” Cami dead-pans.

With a raised brow, Max adds “Are ya sure you want us to answer that?”

In a tone of voice that was clearly like they were being talked down to, Myra rebutted “Look, it’s very simple. Show me a recording contract, a clip from your TV show, and evidence of a scandal, and I’ll squeeze you in.”

“Oh, is that all? As it happens, we brought a clip of our wacky hit sitcom, ‘Midtown Cowboys’. We’re the stars!” Sam says, showing the woman the clip.

Dot grinned wide enough to rival Max’s own Cheshire cat-like grin “How about letting us on, now?”

The woman shook her pineapple shaped head indignantly “Not so fast. To get on my stage, you’ll also need a clip from your own tv show. As well as evidence of a good scandal!”

“Fame is a distressing exact mistress!”

“There ya go dear.” Myra says “Although I strongly disapprove, having a mistress is an excellent start to a scandal! The public enjoys a good love triangle.”

Looking at his ferociously loyal and loving canine lover, Max looked at Myra deadpan “Yeah, your talkin to the wrong people for that kinda scandal, lady.”

“Couples cheat on each other all the time when they get famous.” the woman dismisses.

“...Oh she definitely has a death wish.” Cami voices.

Max’s ears pressed against his head as he glared, teeth bared as he growled, he looked ready to attack, his foot ready to raise in an angry thump  _ “Care to repeat that?” _

Yakko looked at Max nervously “Simmer down Pops, she’s delusional and doesn’t know love when she sees it.”

Sam was growling as well, and Cami quickly moved in front of them, glaring down the woman.

“Listen here Myra, you better keep your mouth shut or we’ll give you a scandal that you won’t like that’ll have your name all over it.”

She tilts her head.

“Can you understand that?” she mocks, as if she was talking to a child.

The woman gave an exasperated sigh “Very well, but you really should learn some manners.”

Max gave a thump as a warning “Don’t push it.”

Cami gave a growl and huff. “Tell me that one more time, I  _ dare you. _ ”

Wakko pulls at Cami’s arm, and the eldest immediately calms and steps back, baring her teeth and fangs at the woman still.

Max gestured for the kids to back away as he quickly held Sam’s hand “C’mon let’s get th’ stupid fetch quest items so we can wrap up this case and when we get home-“

He made sure to yell so everyone in the damn studio could hear “I AM GOING TO KISS MY BOYFRIEND AND GET OUR PERFECT KIDS THEIR FAVORITE ICE CREAM!”

The family walk away from the woman, Cami rubbing her forehead.

“God, that woman gave me a headache.”

“Well, let’s get the items we need and end this case as soon as possible, alright? Sooner we can end this case, the better.” Sam says, rubbing the eldest’s back reassuringly.

Max sighed as he subconsciously ruffed up Dot’s hair affectionately.

“When we finish this case, I need a good game of Fizzball.”


	6. Bleeding Ears And Getting Rich Off Food Stamps

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Exploring more of W.A.R.P. Studios and old faces are regrettably seen and turns out all game shows are rigged as shit

“So...how are we gonna get a scandal and a recording contract to get in Stump’s show?” Cami asks, crossing her arms.

Yakko gave a light shrug “We can check out the other sets, there has to be some way to get a hold of those things.”

“And if we can’t find anything we can just see what overpriced but weirdly helpful item Bosco has behind the counter.” Dot adds.

“Right, for now let’s check out  _ Never Gonna Be a Millionaire _ , maybe we can win the money to buy the thing we need from Bosco.” Sam suggests.

Max grinned wide “Let’s get us more money then a celebrity before the inevitable public meltdown!”

Cami snorts as they walk to the set, going up to the podium.

“We’ve got a contestant, people! Hit it!”

In a rainbow flash Hugh Bliss was at the other podium.

Yakko whispered to his elder sister “how the hell did he do that?”

“No idea...but I’m guessing it’s by,  _ magic _ .” Cami says, mocking the man by the voice and his hand gestures.

Dot glared “Don’t ever do that again.”

Over an unseen speaker a voice was heard  _ “From deep within the bowels of W.A.R.P. It's Who’s Never Going To Be A Millionaire! With special guest host; Hugh Bliss!” _

“Hi! I’m Hugh Bliss!” the man greets.

“ _ Our first contestants are a pair of professional Freelance Police Officers and their Juniors! They enjoy firing their guns randomly and running over things...please welcome Sam and Max! And their kids!” _

There was at the least three claps in the audience, Max smiled to his partner “Listen Sam, they love us!”

“Welcome!” The mic gave some aggravating feedback “You know the rules: if you can answer even one question you’ll walk away...a millionaire!”

“Start loading the armoured cars, Hugh, because my brain’s stuffed with enough worthless trivia to power a small Chilean Village for decades!”

Looking directly into the souls of the audience, Max grinned wide “It’s true!”

Seemingly ignoring the comment, Bliss reached for the cards on the side of the podium “Okay. Are you ready?”

The creepy celebrity looked at the question of the card “Oh, happy day! It’s an easy one!”

“If a man sets out from the horsehead nebula in a spaceship traveling thrice the speed of light, and his father leaves from Rigel two at the same time going half the speed, how many nanoseconds before the time paradox causes the first man to never have been born?” Hugh Bliss smiled.

Yakko looked flabbergasted “WHAT?!”

“...How the  **[CENSORED]** are we supposed to know that?” Cami hissed, baffled.

“I’m not sure, but I’ll say...false?”

With a somewhat chastising tone of voice, Hugh replied “That’s not really a valid answer. You lose!”

Dot looked directly at the camera “Well this is a real bag of  **[CENSORED]** .”

Cami looked horrified at her baby sister.

“...I really shouldn’t have been cursing in front of you while we were bouncing from house to house.”

Max balled up his fists indignantly “This is an outrage! I DEMAND a recount!” Yakko rolled his eyes “It’s a quiz show not a voting ballot, Pops.”

Nevertheless the less, the lagomorph crossed his arms with a pout “My point still stands.”

“We do have a fabulous consolation prize: a copy of ‘Emetics’, by me, Hugh Bliss!!”

“I’d rather bleach my eyes out.” Cami deadpans.

“No thanks, I’m content to leave with just my burning shame and newfound sense of inadequacy.”

“Okay!” The creepy celebrity says with the same smile on his face and in his voice.

_ “Find out which poor schmuck will be the next to blow his chance at millions. Right after these messages.” _

Hugh Bliss disappeared from the stage and back where he was standing before as the Freelancers stepped away from the impromptu stage.

Sam walks to the podium where the questions were. 

“Apparently W.A.R.P. can’t afford armed guards for their game show questions.” 

He then takes them.

“That’s cheating, Sam!” Max smiled at Sam adoringly “Good thinking!!!” 

Dot chuckled devilishly “This’ll show them to embarrass us on live television!”

“Honestly, out of anyone they choose to embarrass, they chose US.” Cami snickers.

“Don’t get your pretty long ears in a twist, little buddy. The answers aren’t on here.” Sam says.

“Well that’s a bummer.” Wakko sighs.

With a melodramatic tone Max simply replied “In life, there are no answers, only questions.”

The eldest Warner brother stared “Pops, what the hell are you talking about.”

“Another Prismatology credo?”

The lagomorph simply shook his head “No, I read that on a cereal box. I’m seriously deficient in riboflavin, by the way.”

Dot looked to Cami “What the  **[CENSORED]** is riboflavin?”

“I have no idea.” Cami says, looking to her little sister.

“You’re seriously deficient all right.” 

The lagomorph laughed “Oh you flatter me~” Dot was already walking to the door “Yeah can we get going before the PDA starts getting too excessive.”

“Yeah, we have a case to solve.” Cami says, quickly following her sister as the family walk out of the set back into  _ Midtown Cowboys _ .

“What set should we go into?” Wakko asks, glancing at the doors;  _ Embarrassing Idol  _ and  _ Cooking Without Looking _ .

Max stared at the former “Maybe it’s my abysmal short term memory, but I’m pretty sure that one wasn’t there ten minutes ago.”

“Maybe we just missed it?” Yakko suggested, albeit doubtfully.

“That or somehow within the time we were filming for  _ Midtown Cowboys  _ and playing  _ Who’s Never Gonna Be a Millionaire,  _ they made an entirely new show.” Cami says, furrowing her brows.

The second eldest shrugged “Well it wouldn’t be the strangest thing we’ve seen since gettin’ adopted.”

“Like Dad and Papa on a Saturday night.” Dot says bluntly, oblivious to the implications.

Cami furrows her brows, confused at first at what Dot could possibly mean by that-

And then realizes, widening her eyes, turning to her seven-year-old sister.

“ANGELINA CONTESSA LOUISA FRANCESCA BANANA FANA BO BESKA THE THIRD-”

“Cami used Dot’s full name…” Wakko whispers.

“OKAY!” Max gently pushed his daughters towards the door “Let’s get on with the case before the readers start gettin’ ideas.”

Yakko rolled his eyes “A bit late for that, Pops.”

The family walks into the  _ Embarrassing Idol _ door, opening it to see-

“I just don’t see how you can sing and be a judge. I don’t think the public would swallow 

that.”

“What the-“ the second eldest tilted his head “How th’ hell did a whole set get made under ten minutes?”

“I dunno, but I’m severely creeped out.” The eldest shudders, glancing around warily. 

Max squinted indignantly “Hey, Sam, do my eyes deceive me, or are those our formerly-hypnotized former child stars acquaintances, the Soda Poppers?”

“Sweet jellyfish paste on a stick, you’re right! What are the odds?!” Sam exclaims.

Dot had a hand on her hip “There’s just no escaping those weirdos, huh?” 

Glancing at his youngest sibling “To be fair we’re not the pinnacle of normalcy either, sis.” The small seven year old just shrugged “Well we’re a different KIND of weird.”

“Could we find another judge?” Peepers was asking the Director.

“What about one of those guys?”

“Why th’ hell is it always us?” Yakko looks to his rabbity father who shrugged “Natural animal magnetism?”

“Hm, I don’t suppose either of you would be interested in being a judge on  _ Embarrassing Idol,  _ the hot new show where we make uncomfortable entertainment out of people’s misplaced faith in their own singing ability?”

Max practically hopped in place in excitement “Oh! Me! Me! I promise I’ll be completely unbiased in my abuse to the contestants!”

The director simply shook her head “Fine, fine. Take a seat.”

The lagomorph grinned as he hopped over into the empty judge’s seat, laughing to himself devilishly “Finally, my true calling!”

“Goody! I get to sing!”

“Did anyone bring ear plugs?” Cami asks her sibs, leaning towards them.

Dot shrugged “I can scream until we’re deaf, that’ll be easier.”

“I’d rather keep my hearin’ thanks.” Yakko mutters to which Dot crossed her arms with an angry pout “Dammit.”

“Maybe next time.” Wakko says before-

_ “Welcome back to Embarassing Idol! The judges are champing at the bit, so say hello to our first contestant, Peepers!” _

“Alright, kids! Cover yer ears, your eardrums will thank me!” Max called from his place at the judge’s table.

The chimera children didn’t need to be told twice, quickly covering their bunny-like ears.

Peepers then took a couple of cards, clearing his throat before-

“Am I bluuue? Who are yooou? Can I flyyyyyyy?” the Soda Popper screeches singing.

Yakko physically grimaced “Well I can see who’s NOT winning this contest…”

“Well that was a bit sloppy,” Specs commented “But I particularly liked how you hit that high note. That always impresses me, I think you’ll get my vote.

Whizzer didn’t seem to pay Specs’ commentary much mind “I’m  _ definitely  _ voting for you! After all, you are my brother.”

Dot glared “ **[CENSORED]** ing sellout.”

“Dot, please stop swearing we’re on live television.” Cami says to the 7 year old.

“Didn’t you swear when we were in  _ Who’s Never Going to be a Millionaire _ ?” Wakko asks.

“Not helping Waki.”

Yakko leaned over towards the eldest and simply whispered  _ “hypocriiiiite” _

Turning to the director Max grinned almost maliciously “very impressive- you sound almost  _ exactly  _ like a sick cat being dragged through rusty farm machinery! But this is a singing contest, so I think I’ll have to vote for someone else. Um…” he looked around “Is there anyone else?”

“Not so far.” the Director says.

“YAY!” the Soda Popper cheers.

“...Someone needs to compete against Peepers cause we can’t let him win.” Cami shudders.

“We can kill him.” Dot says in an ominous tone, grinning and looking directly at the Popper.

Looking at his youngest sister with an expression that was both terrified and concerned, Yakko nervously chuckled “Uhhhhhh new idea, one of us can just participate.”

“...I worry about you sometimes, Polka-Dot.” Cami says, concerned as well.

“I could compete, I have some singing up my sleeve.” Sam suggests.

Shrugging, Yakko said “Well anything better then Peepers singing-“

“If you can even  _ call  _ it that.” Dot interjected.

Walking over to the Soda Popper, Sam glances at the cards.

“Can I look at these?”

The man with the golf ball-like eyes nodded “Sure, take ‘em! I’ve got them memorized. ‘Am I Blue? Who are you? Can I fly?’ 

Physically cringing Dot muttered “Yeah we get the idea ya hazbeen.”

“Very impressive.” Sam lies, taking them.

“Back to  _ Who’s Never Going To Be a Millionaire  _ then?” Cami asks.

Yakko sighed into his hands “Please before I need bleach poured into my ears from their voices.”

Max perked up at that, hoping over the judges stall with a smile “You read my mind Yak! C’mon I can hear their collective brain cell breaking down as we speak!”

The family leaves the set, heading to the  _ Who’s Never Going to Be a Millionaire  _ door.

Entering the set, Sam then places the cards into the card slot in the podium.

“Hey, a perfect fit!”

“The best way of getting by an impossible problem; just change the answers!” Dot beamed.

Her rabbity father ruffled her hair affectionately “Ya got that right, Princess!”

Walking to the other podium-

“We’ve got another contestant! Hit it!” the director yells as Hugh Bliss suddenly appears at the podium in a rainbow dash.

_ “Welcome back. Our next contestants are...these guys again!” _

There was a sparse, scattered applause before Bliss spoke “Okay, are you ready?”

Bliss grabbed the replaced cards and asked “Hmm... the question is...am I blue?”

Smirking, Sam answers: “No, Hugh, you’re not blue.”

Cami bites back a snicker.

“Oh dear. Oh me oh my!” Hugh began “THAT'S ABSOLUTELY RIGHT!!!!”

“ **[CENSORED]** YEAH!” Dot cheered as a fanfare was heard and the audience applauded.

“Yes!” Sam exclaims, grinning.

“WE’RE RICH!” Wakko cheers.

Max absolutely cackled like the madman he is “YOU GOT THAT RIGHT WAKI, FILTHY RICH!!!”

_ “We just went bankrupt. So we will not be back after these messages!” _

The set then explodes, Cami yelping at the suddeness.

“I don’t believe it. Well, this is awkward, but we don’t actually have a million in cash.”

“Sweet mother of all quiz show scandal!” Sam exclaims.

Cami blinks at the woman.

“Oh you’ve gotta be  **[CENSORED]** kidding me!” 

The woman crossed her arms “we’ll have to give a million dollars worth of food stamps.” Pointing her head in the direction of a huge pile towards the door “They’re right over there.”

“Hold on.” Max interjected “Can you buy deep fried licorice with food stamps?”

Yakko shrugged “It’s food ain’t it?”

“We’ll take it.”

Going to the stack of food stamps, Sam started collecting them.

“One, two, three-”

“Oh dear god, we’re gonna be here a while.” Yakko groaned, Max patting his back in sympathy.

“Might as well sit while Dad counts them all.” Cami sighs.

With a sigh, the younger Warners followed Cami, sitting down.

“So. What was with the freak out earlier?” Dot suddenly said, Yakko’s eyes went wide remembering his and Cami’s conversation when they first got here.

Cami froze, looking to her sibs before carefully glancing to see if Max was listening or watching.

When she sees he isn’t, she sighs.

“You know about my thing with violence? The whole...gunshot thing didn’t really help with that.” she quietly admits to her sister.

Yakko sighed heavily “And  _ I  _ told her she should just tell Pops, he’d understand! He loves violence but he’s just as much our dad as Sam is ya know.”

“Papa doesn’t mean it on purpose, clearly” Dot says “If you don’t say something, he’s going to end up thinking you don’t like him or something.”

“I...I know he doesn’t, and that’s not true. I like him...I care about him a lot actually...but...I’m…”

She sighs.

“...I’m just scared about screwing things up for us.” she admits.

The eldest Warner brother sighed heavily “Cam, that won’t happen, Sam and Max aren’t like our other homes, they actually care about us and how we feel, crazy as they are, their probably the best thing that’s happened to us since we survived that crash in the Hudson!”

“...Okay…” Cami sighs, playing with her hands. “...I’ll...I’ll tell Max...but after this case, okay?”

Wakko nods, leaning to the eldest Warner as she strokes his head gently.

The youngest smiled gently “Papa will understand, he’s funny and kinda crazy, but he’s good, and he’ll listen.”

“He and Dad liked us enough they wanted to adopt us after three weeks, they’d never abandon us now.” Yakko adds, putting a comforting arm around his elder sister’s form.

Cami smiles.

“...Yeah...still can’t believe it though.” she sighs.

“Better believe it sister! We’re the Freelance Junior Police now, and we’re not going anywhere!” Dot giggled as she hugged her only sister.

Cami grins, laughing as she hugs her back, ruffling her hair.

“I guess you’re right, Polka-Dot!”

“Hey kids!” Max suddenly yelled “We’re done counting the food stamps! Who wants to see if Bosco has the McGuffin of the day to help solve the case?”

Yakko smiled, beginning to stand up “Comin’ Pops!” He turned to Cami “Let’s go, think about what we said, alright Cams?”

Cami smiles at the second eldest, side hugging him for a moment.

“Alright Yaki, I will.”

She’s always found it easier to make a decision after getting her sibs opinions on the matter.


End file.
